I've been struggling for some time now with the idea of this post. I've bounced around a whole spectrum of emotions...well, I suppose that isn't entirely accurate. I've never really crossed that center line at which 'happiness' or 'giddish contentment' ever existed. Mostly I stagger between anger, frustration, defeat and complete sadness.
So I'll preface this journal entry with this: June 25th my sweet baby girl Dasha turned 9. She celebrated the day in her orphanage, I think, all the way across the world. She had nothing of the hoop-la we dreamed of giving her for this occasion: her first real birthday. The first landmark of her time in a family. We envisioned cake, and ice-cream. Balloons. And swimming. Who knows what else. Instead of this, I struggled to keep my composure this day. I managed all my required functions, yet this day was NOTHING what I dreamed. I ended up tucking myself into bed early that day, not saying a lot to anyone. I mourned alone, because my handsome husband of 16 years can't remember the birthdays of our biological children, much less Dasha's yet. I don't really even know where she was. But I'm fairly certain there was no cake. And damn it, there was NO me. This is a cruel fact that haunts me every single day. Part of my heart will mourn this child for the rest of this mortal life. And, perhaps naively, because I've never experienced this, it seems harder than death. Because that at least is certain. I have no idea what my daughter will endure for the rest of her life. But I am certain on what she will miss. And it breaks my heart just considering it.
The decision to add Dasha to our family was a BIG one. We knew from the start she was meant to be ours. And so, from now until we meet God, and hopefully then beyond, she is our child. Our decision drew a bit of talk. Some people thought we're nuts with the 5 kids we have. Newsflash: WE ARE. But, we're happy, and headed in the right direction. Some days seem more of a straight path than others, and some prove to show very slow progress. But, we are an eternal family. And this is the life I would choose EVERY SINGLE TIME all over again. I love my husband and my children eternally. They are evidence of a loving God, who loves me so entirely that I have been given just a brief glimpse of eternity in my daily life. (I could write a column for 'Mormon Housewives' no doubt...) But I am truly blessed. And I know it!
I can honestly say when Nate and I conceived our 5 bio kids that no one reading this was a part of that decision. It was ours. Ours alone. And the adoption of a foreign, special needs child into our home...was just the same to us. It was our decision. Ours alone. Sure, excitement from our friends and family was a bonus...in the same manner that criticism, whether masked as 'good-intentioned concern' or not, was incredibly painful. But we know that this girl was/IS our daughter. Prideful men have ensured that she won't be in our arms for who knows how long....maybe her mortal life. Its something I can barely consider......sanely.
That was my PREFACE.
This is what I really need to say.
The cost of bringing Dasha home was going to be staggering. One visit in, we had pre-paid all our in country fees, all our agency fees...registered her to be a citizen, expedited Visa's...and our total was over $20k. We fundraised a little, with a garage sale and ipad auction. This was always uncomfortable to me, but it was something we agreed to attempt because, well, the grossly inadequate estimation of $50,000 was something we had no idea how we'd come up with. We plumaged our retirement accounts....an action we've yet to suffer for on our income taxes. That blow will hit next year...when we thought we'd have an adoption credit to offset it. I estimate it will cost us over $8000 in tax, just on our federal tax return. Why am I being so upfront? Because, there are those who think they have a right to spread ugly un-truth's about our finances. So, I will humbly offer a few details here.
The money we fundraised...totaled about $4000. Big chunks of it was written in checks to our Reece's Rainbow account. Just over half was cash. This money was used to pay for our visas...which were ball-park $1500. We also paid for our USCIS applications, which were just shy of a grand.
We have over $13k dollars remaining in Dasha's adoption account. Which, really isn't hers anymore. Because she's unavailable for adoption. But these funds are absolutely, with no exception, UNAVAILABLE to us, shy of pursuing an additional adoption.
Do the math. If you see what we've invested thus far, strictly financially speaking, you can see the fundraised money was a huge blessing, but by no means the largest source of money in our account. Forget the details...but its our retirement money.
A few months ago we refinanced our house. It lowered our house payment $200 bucks. Wahhooooo! It also allowed us to replace the rest of our windows and doors, which were original to the home and in terrible shape. We loved having warm windows that prevented the curtains from dancing in the breeze. We are in the midst of replacing our bathroom, because there is a leak behind the shower and there is some mold. Its a project I had on my 'dream' list for the house. But I'm fairly responsible financially...so it wasn't anywhere near a reality simply based on aesthetics. We also are having to tear out our fireplace. There is sheetrock behind the rock...which is starting to burn. We saw the heat lines. They're scary. We'll put it back together so that our fireplace can continue to induce the oh-so-welcome 80 degree temperatures we love! Oh sure, like the bathroom, its gonna be soooooo pretty when its done! Both projects are need based however.
But there a rumblings that I'm using my adoption money to finance all my home repairs. And while I have been sorely tempted to address all my frustrations publicly, I'll stop with this: It is entirely shallow, and ugly beyond explanation, that this has happened. We refinanced our house. We also recently sold our nicer car to pay for the other improvements. Not ONE PENNY of our adoption money has been used by us personally. If you prove to be an intelligent person, you can see for yourself that we way more than spent our fundraised money on the adoption of Dasha. Oh, I forgot more personal information you're obviously entitled to: our camper. Yep, we bought my uncle's camp trailer last summer. With our retirement money. Yep. We took out less than the average family spends on one vacation...and figured we'd never have money again...might as well take out a little more than we were using for the adoption and buy a camper where we can spend our summers like the Clampits...together. I've got a cleared check to prove it.
I have no regrets in any of the choices I made over the last 18 months...at least the ones you're reading about. The only part of this heartbreak that will remain a mystery for all of my readers now is how many nights I will continue to stare at my ceiling...wondering exactly how this was God's will. (That's another blog...I know its not His will, rather the action of men). But for those of you who've wondered...how I'm squandering your hard-earned money to lavishly upgrade my house...hopefully this is one mystery solved.
It personally makes me beyond mad that these rumblings existed...but more than that, I'm sad. Which seems to be the lasting experience from this whole adventure.
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