Inside my head...

It's not a pretty place. It's not a place I really think most people should be. Because I wonder how many people really know the war that rages there almost every single day.

Am I good enough? Have I done anything good today? Will my child hate me forever? :) Why am I so exhausted? Are my  kids 'getting it'? Are they firmly planted in the knowledge of God so that their choices reflect it? Is Nate happy?

Unless your name is Holly Ann, or mom...you've maybe seen glimpses, but you don't know how fierce this struggle has become. How I feel that every single role I fill, be it mom, wife, accountant, friend, sister, maid, cook or whatever...I come up short. I know Satan uses this as one of his greatest tools against me, because by reminding me of my inadequacies I lose focus on what I'm trying to do.

But tonight I offer a brief glimpse inside my head. And, if you've read much of this blog...you know I''m pretty open when I decide to be.

We are about 3 weeks away from getting on a plane to go pick up our new son, Mack, from the orphanage he knows as home. He is six, and down syndrome. And we are thrilled. But, I'm also terrified. I know that this is going to be difficult. In fact, I've played the worst-case scenarios over in my head to myself so many times that I'm going crazy. I just want the whole trip thing to be done. Skipped. Just mail him to me, so I can get on with transitioning and settling in.

My emotions are high. .

Again, I am reminded tonight of the confirmation I have been given multiple times in this process. My anxiety will take off on a jog and before long it's in full-sprint mode. I was trying to prepare for my part of tomorrow's ward conference assignment at church, and I stumbled onto a 'Mormon Message' by Elaine Dalton. She talks of running in the Boston Marathon, and how half way through she was tired, and panicked...she started crying and people from the sidelines cheered her on. And she prayed for strength...just I've done so many times....and the answer to her prayer filled my heart with gratitude for a Savior who knows ME. Because her answer was mine. Again. The words to my favorite hymn, beautifully scrawled in caligraphy on my dining room wall..."How Firm a Foundation" came to her mind. The words are:

"I'll strengthen thee, comfort, and cause thee to stand, upheld by my righteous Omnipotent hand."
And then she relates how she knew she could finish...and all would be well!

We are going to love this boy. We are going to know such happiness. And struggle. And triumph. And laughter and tears. Just like with our other children. How grateful I am to know good and bad in all aspects of my life.