A bit of a ride...

This has been one very long....very long week. I'd been hearing ripples about the possiblity that our daughter's birth country would impose a ban on adoption. I naively thought...puhhhh, we're only a few months out. That will effect other people. Not us.
I kind of avoid certain streams on facebook because 'too' much information proves to scare the pants off me. So I do what I do best and avoid. But there is absolutely no avoiding what happened yesterday. Thursday afternoon one of my long-time buds from highschool texted me, apologizing for what he'd seen on the news...'that I was in his prayers'. A couple quick texts back in forth prompted the reality: R was moving fast on this bill. And my previous denial that this wouldn't affect us was dead wrong. I went to bed early that night, feeling a bit anxious about what was to come. Friday morning I followed Nate downstairs when he woke up. I NEVER DO THIS. For one, its fetching cold! We heat the house with our fireplace and it doesn't quite stretch all night so by morning its down right frigid. So, he's on his own to get breakfast and stoke the fire for the rest of us! For two, its morning. I hate mornings. But, I just had the feeling I should get moving. I pulled out the laptop and sat down to find the big, ugly red headlines: adoption ban signed. I sat and stared at first...kinda thinking my eyes were gunkier than they really were. Did I read that right? No. I must have looked a little horrified because Nate joined me on the couch and within seconds we were both crying. Friday, December 28, 2012 will unfortunately be marked in my mind as one of the most difficult days of my life. I probably said 10 sentences in total...most of them were, 'tell them I'm not talking today' or 'please, leave this be for today'. Even as I write this journal entry I can feel the wedge moving farther north up my throat.
I am a very emotional person. I didn't say I'm a drama queen...I'm not. But when I'm happy, its obvious. And when my heart has been ripped out, its fairly obvious as well. And I can only say that the news that our adoption has been 'banned' is pretty much devastating.
While I did cry for the better part of yesterday(and some of today) I am not hopeless.
The thought came to me yesterday morning about the story of Lazarus in the Bible. I love this story! I was thinking thru the events of this story. Jesus was off ministering in a distant city when he received he news that his FRIEND was dying. Yet still, he lingered. By the time he got there, Lazarus was dead. His sisters met Jesus and were of course mourning their brother's death. They said something to the effect of 'if thou hadst been here, our brother would not have died.' And the scriptures record that Jesus wept....which is not a common occurance. Then we all know what happened...the Savior raised Lazarus from the dead. However...what is learned there? Had Jesus come, right when he was called, he could have saved Lazarus from dying all together. But he didn't, because even though it allowed heartache in his friends' lives...it provided him the opportunity to glorify God, and prove his power over death; something we may have doubted.
How does this apply, you wonder?
Well....right after playing this story out in my mind...the thought came gently to my very...very...wounded heart: If the door is not officially 'closed'....I might doubt by whose hand it is opened.
My ex-bishop and dear friend called me tonight to check on me, knowing I've had a rough few days. He asked how I was...and inevitabley I choked up a bit. And when I told him we'd press on, do what we could...until there was nothing left we could and then I'd just have to work on accepting things....he said something to the effect of  'well that is the easier thing to say than really do'. And he's right. This is hard. REALLY hard.
This process has been nothing short of a test of my faith from day one. But, He led us here. He placed sweet girl in our life. He allowed us the opportunity to fall in love with her. So...I will trust in Him. I will acknowledge there is no guarantee. I will promise many days of FAITH. Many others of tears. I have no idea what I'm in for.
And it scares me.
However, I'm in for a ride. Along the way my heart has been buoyed by friends, quiet moments of comfort...and my dear husband and precious children.
Thank heavens this life is short! I'm counting on eternity.
Please continue to pray for our family....and those of our friends...also enduring the same sadness right now. These children are precious in God's sight....and in my belief, some of His choicest spirits. They deserve a family, and love. So, I'll wage my war. I'll do whatever I can. And then...I'll work to accept God's will. Please pray.