Its been so long since I've blogged again...but I do actually kind of miss it! I miss the theraputic outlet of the journaling experience...I miss writing down the funny things that my kids have said and done, and the struggles we face. I got a Christmas letter from a dear friend yesterday, I know...a little late. And two things struck me. First, I felt loved. I haven't talked to her for a couple years, but she remembers me, and I needed to hear that. Second, in her letter she talked of some of the things they've experienced in the last year and said something that couldn't have proved more true for me: "Its been a difficult year, but I've grown closer to my brother Jesus Christ because there have been times when we've cried out in sadness and frustration; there have been times I've praised Him for tender mercies and acknowledged his constant presence in my life: ALL IN THE SAME BREATH!" It is exactly how I feel. I realize I'm a pretty emotional person. I am not the girl who pretends to have it all together. I've got a good thing, a GREAT thing. But there are definately areas of huge struggle for me, and some days are just, well, awful! I am for the most part very happy. I am forever grateful for my life: all aspects of it. I know that when I sat down to write my 2009 Christmas letter I couldn't pull it off, because at that point things seemed so difficult and personal. I don't care for sharing or speculation. So, it went undone. And, again in 2010. And not because I think my life is sad or on the whole described as difficult. Completely to the contrary. I believe my life is a work in progress. I'm raising 5 GOOD children, who, while flawed, are mine. And realistically, their flaws are a reflection of mine. We are incredibly happy. My husband is my dear friend and confidant. That is such an asset to me! So, here is my 2010 reflection...
Nate: I have never known anyone as good as Nate. There are few people who have seen the Nate I love...sure, he's touched lots of lives through Young Mens at church, and we have friends. But there is a goodness to him that I've not seen in anyone else. He is not judgemental. He doesn't share gossip, or his opinion of someone. He's not quick to anger. He is loyal. His idea of the perfect night involves lots of noise, pillows flying and children climbing all over him. While is is probably the farthest thing from a 'romantic' I'm learning to realize that love and devotion don't come wrapped in pretty flowers, or diamond earrings. Because I've gotten flowers from him twice: he was in trouble both times! And, gifts aren't his thing. But he works hard for our family and he comes home every night. He loves our Savior, and there isn't anyone who meets him who'd question that.
Me: Aghhhhhh(big sigh.) I wish I was so well put together as he....I struggle to do the best I can every day. The realization of what is entrusted to me....is nothing short of overwhelming! I love my family. Its all I've got. Don't care about anything else. Sure, I love the frivilous aspects of life...but, close the blinds and get out the blankets...Lets just snuggle up close and let the world happen somewhere else! I am, unfortunately, passing on my sense of perspective to my children...and I notice it when they laugh at inappropriate things, and say things unexpectedly. Every day is an adventure...and I'm not gonna lie, some days I wish I'd stayed in bed with the covers over my head. But MOST days I'm excited for the time Nate gets home and we can laugh together over the things the kids did that day.
Kolbe: This is one good kid. He is strong and mature...and while, unfortunately a bit emotional like me, he has things pretty figured out. Always has. I expect big things of him, because when I look at his beautiful eyes the scripture(paraphrasing) 'where much is given much is required' runs through my mind. I know he has something important to do. And who's to say that its more than being just a husband and father? It wouldn't matter to me, as long as he did it with what he's capable of. He's good, through and through. Behind the struggles of an average 11 year old boy...he's brilliant!
Kenna: There is a rush to grow up. Its like she's been stuck in the fast lane and she's not even scared! She loves the thrill of lipstick, and blush! Fashion seems to be the pulse of her life! But, when she's not in the mood, her sweat pants are her best friend. She has a sense of peace, a knowledge of who she is. I've been a bit surprised to see her affected by certain things, certain people. In a new situation she demands familiarity, but in time, she acts with grace and kindness well beyond her 9 years. I am thankful for her wit, and her naughty laugh. Spice of our life...
Avery: The hugest struggle this child knows is the battle for the remote control. And, she usually loses, based solely on her size, or lack there of. Keep her fed with spaghetti and pancakes and she's quiet and content, willing to blend into any background. She is sweet and soft, needing extra kisses and hugs. Avery's the sun in the sky...she, even on the nastiest of days, is rarely overshadowed by clouds...Sure, they come...and its a nasty storm while it lasts....but it always comes back...and she's always happy. I worry she's neglected because she demands so little. But at the same time, I'm thankful for her sweet disposition!
Eli: Add 4 parts impulsivity, a cup of sugar, 3 parts charm, 2 parts naughty and a dash of BIG CHOCOLATE eyes and this kid pretty much has my heart! He's like a racecar...one minute he's out in front, cruising along all by himself, happily, and then, the next, for no good reason, he's careened his car into someone elses, or jumped the track, just because he felt like it! He's quick to say he loves me, and he calls me 'momma', which in and of itself melts me entirely...He's smart and funny...loves to entertain, and we're learning the value of agency. He's beyond miserable when his brother goes to school...and what Kolbe doesn't see is that while maybe a bit annoying...Eli just can't wait to be just like him. He's not LITTLE, he's an understudy. And that is both good and bad!
Landri: 'Oooooooo.Oooooooo.' Lips are always pooched into a perfect 'o' shape and she coos like a monkey. She crinkles her nose and squints her big BLUE eyes and the world is at her mercy. I love to watch her work the crowd...she sees people across the room and lifts a stiff arm and points her hand at them with a funny grin...and they melt. I've been blessed with many new friends simply through the gift of this chubby baby...they've come closer to steal her and I've been blessed!
Who cares about the jobs? The house? The cars? I don't. We've got them all....and I'm thankful for them, don't get me wrong. They allow me to focus comfortably on what really makes me happy. But they're not it...
Happiness is: first, a knowledge of my Savior. Without a doubt, on good days and bad, I have an overwhelming knowledge that I am a daughter of God, who has divine potential to do good. My most precious and important duty and priviledge is my family. So, obviously, family is the next source of happiness!
And, well, anything else that makes me happy is great! And, anything else that doesn't, I guess just isn't that important. And I'll need to do a better job this year at manipulating things that are a struggle into things that make me happy. I can do that....
(see, when I started this, I was feeling a bit down....but now, after this reflection I think, maybe this isn't a jammie day??? I could do so much more with this precious time!)
