Peace in numbers....

I am not a big 'faster'....obviously. Anyone who looks at the chubby girl can figure out that one. But it wasn't even HARD this time. I felt like I could have kept going forever! Its amazing what finding a little focus can do...

I had a little trouble with  my emotions again during Sacrament meeting today. I could litterally feel such a surge of comfort...and while I am still sad and scared for the unknown...I have to publicly thank all of my friends and family who joined us in a special fast today to bring our daughter, and our friends' children, HOME.

Just as a sidenote: next Sunday is fast Sunday. Should you find yourself fasting, again...would it be terribly difficult to add us to your list again???

There is such strength in numbers.

Nooo...don't be mad....its my fault....

This is what I told Nate last night, when I walked into the upstairs bathroom after hearing he was obviously unhappy. Because I seriously giggled when I saw it. And I wouldn't have normally.....

A little background: I was doing my Saturday scrub down of the bathrooms kinda late last night. Lu came in and was telling me she needed to go potty...while I was litterally trying to scrub the nasty off Kolbe's toilet. So I kicked her out...for her own safety in part. Told her to go upstairs if she really needed to. So I went about my scrubbing, kind of enjoying the smell of my favorite 'Gain' purple bottle cleanser...I had just finished his throne when I heard Kenna screach upstairs and then, shortly after, Nate shreaked similarily.

I came booking up the stairs to discover that Landri had gone upstairs to the bathroom. Only, Kenna was using it. So, having already been kicked out of the bathroom downstairs she simply did what a girl could do: pulled down her pants and pooped on the carpet right at Kenna's feet.

Lu apologized to me...but gave me that 'I toldya so' kinda face. Yep. She did.

So, today in sacrament when she announced that she needed to go potty I opted against calling her bluff.

A bit of a ride...

This has been one very long....very long week. I'd been hearing ripples about the possiblity that our daughter's birth country would impose a ban on adoption. I naively thought...puhhhh, we're only a few months out. That will effect other people. Not us.
I kind of avoid certain streams on facebook because 'too' much information proves to scare the pants off me. So I do what I do best and avoid. But there is absolutely no avoiding what happened yesterday. Thursday afternoon one of my long-time buds from highschool texted me, apologizing for what he'd seen on the news...'that I was in his prayers'. A couple quick texts back in forth prompted the reality: R was moving fast on this bill. And my previous denial that this wouldn't affect us was dead wrong. I went to bed early that night, feeling a bit anxious about what was to come. Friday morning I followed Nate downstairs when he woke up. I NEVER DO THIS. For one, its fetching cold! We heat the house with our fireplace and it doesn't quite stretch all night so by morning its down right frigid. So, he's on his own to get breakfast and stoke the fire for the rest of us! For two, its morning. I hate mornings. But, I just had the feeling I should get moving. I pulled out the laptop and sat down to find the big, ugly red headlines: adoption ban signed. I sat and stared at first...kinda thinking my eyes were gunkier than they really were. Did I read that right? No. I must have looked a little horrified because Nate joined me on the couch and within seconds we were both crying. Friday, December 28, 2012 will unfortunately be marked in my mind as one of the most difficult days of my life. I probably said 10 sentences in total...most of them were, 'tell them I'm not talking today' or 'please, leave this be for today'. Even as I write this journal entry I can feel the wedge moving farther north up my throat.
I am a very emotional person. I didn't say I'm a drama queen...I'm not. But when I'm happy, its obvious. And when my heart has been ripped out, its fairly obvious as well. And I can only say that the news that our adoption has been 'banned' is pretty much devastating.
While I did cry for the better part of yesterday(and some of today) I am not hopeless.
The thought came to me yesterday morning about the story of Lazarus in the Bible. I love this story! I was thinking thru the events of this story. Jesus was off ministering in a distant city when he received he news that his FRIEND was dying. Yet still, he lingered. By the time he got there, Lazarus was dead. His sisters met Jesus and were of course mourning their brother's death. They said something to the effect of 'if thou hadst been here, our brother would not have died.' And the scriptures record that Jesus wept....which is not a common occurance. Then we all know what happened...the Savior raised Lazarus from the dead. However...what is learned there? Had Jesus come, right when he was called, he could have saved Lazarus from dying all together. But he didn't, because even though it allowed heartache in his friends' lives...it provided him the opportunity to glorify God, and prove his power over death; something we may have doubted.
How does this apply, you wonder?
Well....right after playing this story out in my mind...the thought came gently to my very...very...wounded heart: If the door is not officially 'closed'....I might doubt by whose hand it is opened.
My ex-bishop and dear friend called me tonight to check on me, knowing I've had a rough few days. He asked how I was...and inevitabley I choked up a bit. And when I told him we'd press on, do what we could...until there was nothing left we could and then I'd just have to work on accepting things....he said something to the effect of  'well that is the easier thing to say than really do'. And he's right. This is hard. REALLY hard.
This process has been nothing short of a test of my faith from day one. But, He led us here. He placed sweet girl in our life. He allowed us the opportunity to fall in love with her. So...I will trust in Him. I will acknowledge there is no guarantee. I will promise many days of FAITH. Many others of tears. I have no idea what I'm in for.
And it scares me.
However, I'm in for a ride. Along the way my heart has been buoyed by friends, quiet moments of comfort...and my dear husband and precious children.
Thank heavens this life is short! I'm counting on eternity.
Please continue to pray for our family....and those of our friends...also enduring the same sadness right now. These children are precious in God's sight....and in my belief, some of His choicest spirits. They deserve a family, and love. So, I'll wage my war. I'll do whatever I can. And then...I'll work to accept God's will. Please pray.

sort of stuck....

Today has been entirely discouraging. Whatever ability I had yesterday to refocus my thoughts has entirely evaded me today. I'm beyond sad today. Can't even talk. Which, is alot for me.

I think tonight I will tuck myself in to bed early...

Today our chest x-rays got here. They are required for the court process. What do I do? Do I continue tracking down the necessary documents so that when this man comes to his senses I'll be ready? How much money do I sink into this? I'm already so far gone...but I don't even care. I don't care how much money I've spent. All I know is I'm still about $6-8k short of having the funds needed to bring her home.

But...there's the chance she's not coming. A VERY good chance. And tonight I'm struggling to accept this.

I am His....

With today's news about the possible ban on our adoption...I'm SICK. And I won't lie and say my faith has been perfect. I have cried several times today. Not for myself though. For her. For the little girl who awaits us. Her family.

I can honestly attest though, that on several occasions today, I have felt an overwhelming sense of peace...

Have you ever felt the Holy Ghost? It is almost like a warmth, a shiver. For me it is unmistakeable. I know this feeling for it has been present at so many of my life's crucial moments, and at so many moments when I knew infinitely who's Spirit it was.

So...while I am 100% certain of only one thing: that there is no guarantee this adoption will end in our favour....of one thing I am. I am His. And I am forever grateful for this knowledge, as well as the reminders that come when I need them most.

He knows my name. So, if YOU know my name, please, please, join our family this Sunday Dec. 30th and pray and fast that hearts will be softened.  Mention us by NAME in your prayers. It would be an unforgotten gift.

When nothing else will do...

Pray.
Its becoming the mantra of my life. I am not one to drop down to my knees often. But I am sure that He never grows tired of the near constant conversation of my heart...

I know my God hears me. I know that He HEARS me. He has allowed heartache and trial. And He has provided growth and blessings. Peace. Hope. He is good and all knowing, and merciful. And true.

So with the recent news that our daughter's birth country has proposed a law banning our and every other adoption from proceeding....my heart is sick. But...There is no room for fear when I acknowledge that He laid this course in front of us. If my life has been proof of anything this last year, its that simply because something is right doesn't mean it will be easy. So...I  will continue to live one day at a time....and pushing fear from my heart, replacing it with faith. And prayer.

We would simply ask that you join us in this effort. Not only selfishly for our daughter. But for all the other orphans there who are unwanted...unloved...and DESERVE a family. Pray. Pray their leaders will have their hearts softened toward this purpose.

Perspective

Okay...
I pray every single day that I'll see Heavenly Father's hand in my life. And I credit this miracle to the fact that I'm not a raging crazy person who's flat raunchy to live with.
Because the trials, which are, in and of themselves, small and not too overwhelming...continue to pile on. But...this week I have this overwhelming sense of peace...almost giddy excitement...at what my future holds, because I SEE His hand in my life.
There is so much happiness in just acknowledging that no matter how many the bumps...the blessings outweigh them. For example:
I must first say that I adore my husband. He is frustratingly un-romantic. He stinks at buying gifts. His basketball shoes make my closet smell like gag-worthy death. He weighs less than I do. Always has, and likely, always will. He hates casseroles. He would happily invite 15 12-18 year old boys with us on every.single.date. we ever go on...just cause he loves them. He has weird taste in music and is a terrible dancer(in fairness, so am I).
                  And...he comes home to me every.single.night. He heads straight for me...and even if its not a movie-worthy romantic moment...I get a kiss. Then, watch out kids! He hasn't figured out, or doesn't care, that our 13 1/2 son doesn't really want kisses "Nate-style" anymore. There isn't anything he'd rather do than be here with us. He likes to play hoops to stay and shape, and run off a bad day. He would do anything for his Young Men, and melts when given the chance. He works hard to provide what we need, and a little of what we want.
I am a blessed woman.

For the last several years we've had particular struggle that has been kinda tough. And we've prayed this one out: ALOT.
My patience, like my dance skills, are sort of lacking. Its not entirely my fault. While some of you other people got in line for things like 'patience' and 'will-power', I kept getting jumped to the front of the baby-line(this is one of my favorite 'lies' to my kids)......so I may have missed a few important virtues....whatever.
Anyways...I have been kind of struggling to weather this out lately. And just like that: I now see my Heavenly Father's hand in this struggle. I even understand the timing. And the blessing that waiting has been.

And I am intirely grateful it has happened just like it has: Not my will, but Thine....