Transparency

Would you really want to live in a world where everyone saw your every single thought? Knew your motive for every act? Heard your mumbling? Your snide comments?
I wouldn't!!!!
Sure, it would hold that perhaps if I didn't want those things made known I shouldn't be thinking/doing/saying them. But I'm human. And while I generally try to behave in a way that compliments what I believe, sometimes I fail. Badly.
As such, I would NOT want to be privy to those same weaknesses of others. Its bad enough that my family and a few select :) friends are subject to knowing some of my, ummmm....less than favorable thoughts/sayings and actions. And I'm entirely thankful they've been true to me, and loved me through my faults...laughed off my obviously awful traits...and resisted the urge to expose me to the world.
It is not lost on me that all of these things are indeed noticed, and recorded. And, that I'm accountable for each thing I do, say or think, whethere anyone else on earth took note of them or not. I understand this. Its a bit scary, actually.
I was reading the children's scripture stories to Eli last night and we did the story of the Atonement. I felt very grateful that Christ found me worth His effort...His pain. Because without this gift, I'd be helpless and hopeless.
And, He isn't sharing my faults with the world.
So, in keeping with the Christmas season, I find myself contemplating this gift, and wondering who I might share a similar gift with.
We ALL make mistakes. We all have things we have done that we would take back it if were possible. But, its not. So, we show grattitude it has been atoned for by offering some gentleness to the faults of others. We extend forgiveness.
Because honestly, no one would be happy in a glass house.

shiney new cadillac....

I definitely think I'll have the makings of a purdy new car after all these dang surgeries...and when I can walk upright, at a normal speed, and sit down with ease...I'll appreciate the gift! For now I simply feel as if I've been hit by a mack-truck!
I headed to Kalispel to the pelvic specialist Monday. My appointment was....well, sad. It seems that my little habit has caused serious damage to my bladder. It was disgusting, and really, one of those moments where I'm ashamed I've mistreated my body so badly! I watched the scope. And I'd have thought it was nasty irregardless...I mean, the inside of a bladder is, in fact, the inside of a bladder. Not pretty material. But seeing what shouldn't have been there...made me cringe a bit! So here I am, publicly committing in the only journal I keep, to give up my diet coke habit entirely. No substituions. Nothing.
Now, it wasn't all my fault....apparently I had TWO problems and while that one was mine...apparently my five children can share blame for the other! So, I've now got some 15 year mesh in place. I asked him if its the stuff I've seen all over the news, and, I'm good. I should be good as new.
For now I'm just laying on my couch sipping my water...and looking at the mess that is my house. It needs dusting. Vacuming(which I can't lift). My dryer has been broke for over a week so I've got laundry washed and piled at the door waiting for my mom to pick it up and take it to her house. I puttered around trying to straighten the main floor. Wowza! What would have normally taken me 15 minutes took me well over an hour! And I was totally done in!
I kept sweet Avis from school today. She had felt sort of left behind when I took Kenna with me to tend Lu in Kalispel. I listened to her as she sang Landri to sleep at nap time...one of those 'moments' that stamped my heart.
If I wasn't grateful enough for a healthy body before now, I certainly am now! Don't take for granted the simple functions of a strong body.

Tears

There are lots of sad faces tonight....well, not really lots...just two.
I am headed to Kalispel in the morning to have a quick surgery. And since Miss Lu has scarcely let me out of her sight since we've returned from our big adoption, she's making the trek with me. Kenna weasled in on the trip to be my daycare while I'm in the hospital, and my Landri-entertainer while I'm not feeling up to it. We're staying with one of my oldest friends over there, and lets be totally honest here: THIS part is anything BUT torturous! I'm wicked excited!!!
So tonight at tuck-in time Avery's face turned very very sad...and the tears started flowing! She said that I 'just barely got home from the last trip!' Believe me, it definitely feels that way for me too! And sweet Eli asked for extra snuggles tonight, since I wouldn't be here to offer them the next couple nights.
Nate will be holding down the fort for the next 3 days here. He'll be fine. :)
We are refinancing the house so it must be in TIP TOP shape Tuesday morning...we've been working all weekend on projects. I am thinking he might appreciate my being home Wednesday night :)

I seriously have the best family ever. My dad is driving me over there....my girlfriend shuttling me around the whole time there...and my brother will be picking me up. My mom will man all the morning shifts and after school shifts.

I HATE that all these little trips seem to be stacking on top of each other. Because I HATE needing help. And I need it bad!!! We leave next weekend for required training in Utah for the adoption. Its kind of a blessing that there is required time in between these adoption trips overseas...my children here are struggling with the changes. But, it has definitely quieted some of my doubts that I fail them as  a mother. It is so nice to be missed so badly! And...dang it if I don't miss them to pieces!

Grateful for what I've got!

Gobble Gobble...

Happy Thanksgiving~
If you would have given me a glass ball last year and shown me my 2012...well, I don't know what I would have done. I'm sure it would have involved repenting later...

I'm forever thankful that this year is almost behind me! I thought 2011 proved to be difficult, and apparently we had just started our ride. Things have been super stressful this year. Our debt-free creed sort of flew out the window. Everything that could break, pretty much did. And continues to do so. My car wreck has made life delightful. But...when I think about everything that's happened this year...the highlights, the things that I will remember most about this year...are NOT the difficult things. In fact, while this year has indeed sucked(which is a word I don't allow my children to use)...its been beautiful beyond beautiful...

I've learned a few more things about myself. I have some sharp edges that still need refining. And, its likely that next year when I recount my blessings, atop the list AGAIN will be my grattitude that I've not just been struck down AGAIN. Apparently I'm a slow learner :)

But, I'm incredibly blessed. And, I acknowledge my Father's hand, whole-heartedly, in my life.

First and foremost...I am grateful for my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am a child of God. I am a daughter of a King. I know who I am. I know God's plan, and I'll follow Him in faith. I cannot imagine living a life without the precious knowledge that every single day, I am working towards something. I'm a work in progress with an eternal purpose, yet I'm entirely capable of blundering as a wife, mother, daughter, friend and just about every other role I cherish! It is my understanding of the purpose of this life that provides value and meaning to every single aspect of my life. The reason things are important to me are because I understand where they fit in my eternal perspective of things. This doesn't mean I've accepted my 'lot' with no complaints! Heavens no! But, I recognize that He sees something in me...and I'll keep working towards it.

Secondly, I am incredibly thankful for Nate. We are different in so many ways...and the same in the ones that really matter. I treasure his committment to the gospel. You NEVER ever ever have to wonder whether Nate's heart is in his service! A woman I love and respect said it best when she announced that I had 'done good' in marrying him. Amen! He's the best. He may be wild. Loud. But he has energy for children when mine is gone. He is black and white...no in betweens with him. When my panic rises, he calms me with his ever present faith. He is good through and through. He stands by our little family. He is the perfect patriarch of our home.

Kids. Kids. and more kids. Life would be incredibly boring, and terribly sad without each and every one of my five kiddos. I am amazed at how Nate and I's DNA has produced five children who are alike yet so very different. Our home wouldn't be the same without the craziness of every day. I won't lie and pretend I appreciate every single moment. I don't. But...the times where the children play and help and there is love and peace in the home make the others bearable! My  children have come power packed full of sass, determination and independence. They are funny, and smart and 100% the loves of my life. There is no role...no job...that I would prefer over being their mom. You'll never find me advocating the rights of womanhood outside the home. I don't feel inferior to men. I simply feel that my gifts are different and that I'm blessed far beyond what I'd find somewhere else, by being a mother.

Parents. I pretty much got this one in the sack: I've got THE.BEST.PARENTS.EVER. I read somewhere once that love wasn't boughten with money, but time. My parents epitomize this truth. I can't say that I at any point felt rich growing up. But I can say that I always had more than enough. I always felt safe, and loved and treasured. My parents have supported me, chastened me when needed, pitched in and helped when asked and when they just noticed a need. They have laid the map for how I hope to be as a grandparent. Kolbe wrote a poem for english class about his favorite grandparents. It was a riot! He said they are 'definately lacking'....and after I stopped snorting over his honesty and his funny commentary...I was grateful that he knows what he does. That my parents adore the kid. That they'd give up anything to be a part of his life. Love is bought with time...and how my parents have 'time' to offer any one else beyond what they give me, is a mystery!

Quality of life: There are constant reminders in simple things that help me to remember my blessings. The sky. Its absolutely beautiful every morning and every night. My children have learned that its one of my favorite things EVER and they point out the colors to me and claim the prettiest to be their handiwork. Our recent trip has reinforced how grateful I am to have been born when and where I was. I know freedom and peace and happiness even in a world that is generally chaotic.  We have a nice, comfortable home that meets our needs. Plenty of food. A WICKED fireplace :) and everything else we NEED to be happy and safe.

Friends. I have always had one or two good friends. And Heavenly Father has blessed me with some goldies that will be on my side from now until the end! I need friends. Not lots of friends. But I need to have someone to confide in...to share with...to lean on...and then return the favor!

I could list my blessings one by one. I've been doing it in my head all month! But...simply put, these are the main focuses...the central reasons I feel incredibly blessed this year.

In the next few months we'll add another child, one of His choicest spirits to our home. And with that challenge will come more blessings than I, Nate, or our kids will be able to count. While I can't claim to always love the path I walk...I do always look back, after completing a challenge, and feel grateful I've been given the chance to walk and grow.

Happy Thanksgiving 2012!

Eli Sam

If you couldn't guess why I love this little taz....here's a recap:
Tonight he went into town with my parents. They ended up at Walmart. He convinced them, well, he convinced my mom....that he needed a few things. My dad is smarter than my mom. He knows the art of saying no.
Here's the run down of his must-haves: a toothbrush, feather duster, mini-kaeleidoscope(with which he said, "there's like....fourteen of you in here dad") two containers of hand sanitizer, cause he 'really needs it and is gonna keep getting more' to keep his hands clean.
He's incredibly practical.

The big trip....

I know. I know. I'm a slacker.
I thought with some of the down time we had in country, I'd blog. I did it....once. But typing on an ipad isn't exactly effecient. And I'm lazy. Its like mixing oil and water. Plus, that supid auto-correct function was incredibly frustrating...I still have some editing of that last post to do! Believe me, I KNOW there were grammar errors...don't judge.

Anyhooooooo....where to start? How about the fact that people aren't exactly lining up to sit by Nate and me on the plane. He has major anxiety attacks. I think I mentioned this on my first blog. We're talking MAJOR. So we are figureing out the appropriate dosing schedule to keep a very clastrophobic/hyperactive man strapped in a 18 inch wide space for 12 hours. And me, as his travel mate, happily puking in my little 'sick' bag beside him. I think my favorite was the fact that due to turbulence my pretty little(seriously, they're beautiful) Korean Air flight attendent woudln't let me get up and had to be my 'delivery' service...trading in and out sick bags.

At this point of the process, I'm sad that we're a few months out...but incredibly grateful I don't have to fly any time soon...

Flying east, about as far as you could go from our home without starting to get closer again, we lost 18 hours. We were a day ahead of home...six hours behind. So contacting the kids was difficult because by the time we'd get back to the motel after the orphanage, Lu and Eli were often in bed and we didn't see much of them. Which STUNK.

The first motel we stayed at was in a large city. It was older, lodge-style. Thankfully the front desk girl spoke decent english so we had a small link to normalacy. We got to motel Sunday night local time. There was some government holiday Monday...so we entirely wasted a day doing nothing. I've seen my fair share of movies...and I'm paranoid as heck. So I would have been happy to hide in our room the whole day. However, my husband was chomping at the bit to get moving. So we walked. And walked. The country is grey and misty, apparently year round. Wasn't overly cold yet...just kind of depressing looking. We ventured to the sea, which I'm sure would have been very busy during summer weather. We wandered around the safety of the neighborhood near our motel.That was all I could grant him.

Tuesday morning we headed to the government office that granted a permit for us to visit Claire. As we waited our turn, the interpreter casually mentioned that they'd just ask us some basic questions...like, what are we adopting for? how much money we make? why we want Claire? You know...easy stuff....to discuss with a perfect stranger...who scowls and never smiles at all. ANXIETY. Well, apparently we passed the first hurdle and were granted permission to go to the orphanage. We spent about 2 hours driving around town getting things notarized and other business before heading out of town.
     side note: The traffic is NUTS. Nate and I were flinching as we huddled together in the back seat. The white line in the middle of the road doesn't even have the power to suggest which side of the road one should be on. Passing on the left? Nope. Not necessary. People weaved in and out of traffic...we thought for sure we'd die. There's no where to park? No problem. Just stack the parallel parking 2 or three cars deep. Doesn't matter if you box someone in, just leave a phone number. When we were shocked and asked if they wouldn't get a ticket our interpreter asked us, confused and shocked, if we would? YES! The roads are in terrible condition...monster pot holes everywhere.
Our orphanage was located about 3 and 1/2 hours from the main city we flew into. So we headed out...The terrain is totally different than ours. Mostly because the foliage is so different. The hills I would have seen covered in pine trees here were covered in birch trees. And they were thick along the roadsides...but no deer or wildlife to be seen. At all! I imagine its beautiful in the spring with leaves. The people don't smile, and its intimidating. The housing is something I can't comprehend. And...there's no toilet paper. Well, in our hotel there is. But, don't expect it in a public bathroom. Because you better be ready to shake it if you did. And...be thankful for toilets that were built for flushing toilet paper. See, its the simple things I was thankful for.
We spent many hours in the outdoor markets. Nate is alot more adventurous than I, for sure. We realized that this area of the world is a bit behind us...so, not everyone...really, hardly anyone, takes VISA. So, we'll take more cash next time :) We have learned some tips that will make eating a bit more enjoyable too. We're taking cup-o-noodles and peanut butter. And licorice. DANG it I wanted twizzlers! But on to the important stuff:
I can simply sum up our time at the orphanage with one word: Overwhelming.
Now this word has a negative connotation. And, in some ways, that would be accurate. There had been so much build up to this moment that my emotions were a wreck. My stomach hadn't really recovered from flying, so I felt awful. I was terrified. Nervous. Missing the children I've never left behind something terrible. But the good outweighed the bad! Anxious. Excited. Curious. I only had to glance at my husband and see the excited sparkle in his eyes to know where he stood.
When we got in the room, a designated play room for us, we waited for her. She arrived all decked out and dolled up. She ran straight for Nate and hugged and hugged and hugged him. She patted his cheeks, then pulled him in again. She gave me hugs too, but basically I'm just another woman in the room full of women. Nate was something entirely different, and...it melted him!
Day one was overstimulating. We had all our stuff laid out and she couldn't stay with one thing very long. She ate a disgusting amount of chocolates, and chugged grape juice until she puked it on Nate. We had about 3 hours together in this tiny room before her caretaker returned to take her back to her group. Now...another sidenote. Part of what scared me the most was what would her reaction to us be. Because all the training we have read says if they are affectionate with strangers then there will likely be attachment issues. And...while I'd like to pretend that she couldn't get enough of us...it wasn't like that. She'd play with us and then go over to the women who spoke her language. She'd climb in their laps and was most comfortable there. But that was a good thing to see. We saw firsthand that she has been loved. The rest of our time together we were careful to only have one thing out at a time.
 The caretaker and doctor both said that she is the 'star'...the kind, funny, happy child who helps everyone else, and we were both incredibly relieved to see that she had not been entirely neglected. Do I think she's had the best environment? No...absolutely not. But she will thrive in a family.
In our family. She has TONS of personality. She is spunky. And determined. And stubborn. She doesn't speak english, obviously, but she is SMART! She understood so much of what we said to her...and if she liked it, it was obvious. And if she didn't, it was also obvious! She would hold her hand up and kind of grunt at us! Like, back off! But we were told she's non-verbal. And we entirely disagree. The girl needs some speech therapy. But, I'm fairly confident she'll speak fine. Within the first visit she was repeating words we said. It was amazing.
I think her favorite thing we brought was the fake Hello Kitty fingernails. She loved them! Tapped them on the desk, and picked things up with them. It was funny. She loved doing my hair. She did it every day. She's a very good colorer.
We spent 4 days with her...
She's going to be fine. It will be an adjustment, for sure. And, its the biggest leap of faith I've ever taken.
We continue to take criticism from family/friends who 'don't understand'. And...believe me when I say I don't care if you 'understand'...it isn't your decision. It is the scariest thing I've ever done. And there are days I am terrified. A few have pointed out we already have 5 children. Kinda knew that. That is the ONLY reason this is scary. Because at this point...I have the perfect life. I don't have perfect children. I'm not perfect. But, this is my life! And, I'd choose it over again EVERY SINGLE CHANCE. And there are definite moments of doubt where I wonder what in the world my Heavenly Father sees in me that I don't. Because I'm inadequate in just about every way. There is no role I fill that I feel I do well. I do 'okay'...but nothing that I've mastered. So this adventure is walking out in the darkness, with faith, for sure. Knowing that there will be hard times and adjustments, I'm preparing my mind and heart for who are my true allies. Who can I share my struggles with in the future that won't silently(and...not so silently...) broadcast that they doubted my choice from the start? That they somehow knew better than I?
To these people I can only answer this: I have never, not even once, experienced that lightning bolt kind of answer to my prayers. My answers have always been a calm, I can 'see' this as my life kind of feeling. This experience has been similar to the one I had when I prayed to know if I should get married to Nate...after knowing him not quite 3 months...and never having had even one steady boyfriend...against my parents' wishes...at 19 years old. I just felt peace. Not overwhelming by any means. Just...an ability to 'see' my life with him. I may be only 15 year in...but if every decision that came with this kind of answer brings this amount of joy to my life, BRING IT ON!!!
When we went to the temple to consider this decision, we just looked at each other and knew, again, that we'd be here with her. Sealing her to us forever.
We didn't seek her out. We didn't decide on this country. We FOUND her. We prayed. We KNOW that she should come to our family. We are terrified just the same as we are excited. And we need prayers of support, and peace and comfort.
Stand with us.
Every single experience in my life that has proven to be difficult for me...every single one...has done one thing: drawn me closer to my Savior. I desperately need the strength and peace that comes from knowing that I am a daughter of God; I am His. He knows me and loves me. And...I'd like to believe that He is, on the whole, pleased with my efforts, even when I fall down.
This life is such a short moment of eternity! No matter the struggle we're in for...we're in for BLESSINGS as well! And then, we're promised an eternity of perfection! And...Claire is a HUGE part of that picture.
Heavenly Father, I cannot express without the rawest of emotions...just how deeply I recognize Thy hand in my life. I have been given the key to happiness, and blessed with the promise of eternity. And....I'm able to share these precious gifts with the ones I love the most: my family.
(sorry, no pics because I worry about privacy....)

Travel and Day 1

Thank heavens we are done with the airplanes for a few days....
The flight to Seattle was sp easy it was almost enjoyable. We had a six hour layover there which we wasted wandering around the many shops. I managed to knock over a display in one, sending it shattering to the floor. Thankfully all it cost me was an eye rolling from the young clerk who got to clean my mess :) note to self: Over the shoulder bag adds bulk to an already bulky me.
The flight to Seoul was ok too. Other an my Korean neighbor picked his nose liberally AND chewed with his mouth WIDE open. This only proved bothersome when he ate, or had a boogie. If he would have understood me I may have shared my grandma's wise wisdom: pick your ears and pick your toes but never, ever, pick your nose!' My back is very sore, as sitting that long was very hard. The meds worked well for Nate. I fed him one just as we boarded and about six hrs into the flight, when he all of a sudden announced that he needed to get up, and just walk around, I fed him a second! We arrived in Seoul about six pm local time. That is 16 hrs ahead of our time, so you can imagine our exhaustion! We checked into our room, on the 2nd floor of the airport :) and then started to look for something to eat. Well I now know the secret to  the petite Asian women is not genetic: their food is NAsTY! We walked two very long halls to find 3 establishments to eat...nothing appealing to me. We saw so many couples walking around in matching shirts. Gag. Maybe Nate and I will try this next time??? But it was the ritziest place I have ever seen. Like...RICH. Prada. Gucci. Cartier. Mulberry. Louis vat ton. And tons more. Apparently teeny tiny Korean women all buy purses that cost a fortune, and pass on normal food. And makeup: Clinique and Lancôme are huge too, they even sell them on the airplane. A big shout out for Korean air! Incredible service!!! Anyhow, I could barely walk from exhaustion and was getting might grumpy at the selection in food. We did find a little vendor selling sandwiches, so we bought one. She repeated my choice to me, so I know we WERE temporarily on the same page. However one bite of that thing had me dashing for the toilet to spit it out. Lesson learned: tuna sand which is not a universal principle. Gag. So Nate and I enjoyed a lovely dinner of Pringles chips and bottled water for dinner. Delish.
In the morning we stumbled into the food court of the airport, the one remaining hall I refused to walk  last night after finding only purses, and nothing to eat last night. Now, most of it looked questionable to me, so we easily agreed on something from Burger King. Lesson learned: a whopper meal for breakfast WILL haunt you when your plane hits turbulence. But, it was a glorified 'binge and purge'...no harm done! The flight today was by far the worst. Both Nate and I were sick. We met another couple heading here to adopt from Arkansas. It was comforting. So far the terrain isn't what I expect. The sky is so grey, it's gloomy. Things are very run down, kind of sad looking. The city isn't as 'city' as I thought. At least what we have seen. Our translator is a beautiful young girl. We head tomorrow to the govt. office to get permission to visit our daughter, then drive the 5 hours to the city we will stay in, still some 40 minutes from the orphanage.
My emotions are raw. Some of that has to do with the fact I am ridiculously tired, but... I miss my children terribly! Face time was fun, though Lu's saying " mommy where ARE you, I love you!" sent me into tears. My stomach hasn't quite recovered, so I have eaten a few small pieces of jerky I packed, and a little baked potato tonight. Where the crap is that golden arch?
Basically tonight I am killing time to where I can take my sleeping pill and hopefully perform some catch up tonight! So....stay tuned! I am eating my instant oatmeal tomorrow morning.....hopefully it gets to stay down and tomorrow proves to be a success. We're off  to meet our princess!

NO time like the present...

Its been such a wild week. No time to even breathe. I can't sleep at night because my mind is packing the suitcase...playing games that when we show up, sweet girl is gone, and, well, just plain old freaking out.

I took Lu with me today on a run to GF to finalize my preparations for the big trip. She was AWFUL. Can't even express how awful! She scowled and growled at strangers, insisting they 'stop wooking at me' and 'stay away from me'...what happened to my sweet girl?
I'm not that confused about it really. This morning my favorite music was playing and I was holding Landri like a baby, at her request...I pulled her up tight against me and snuggled my face into hers...and she closed her eyes and we just danced. Then, when the song changed she simply said, 'you weave mommy, to see _____(can't really say her name here :)
Anxiety sets in: I've teared up so many times today just thinking about leaving my five children behind to meet another. I wonder what they think. Eli asked me if I loved him last night. And then asked if I love ______. I can see those little wheels turning. And there is confusion and anxiety building.
I'm sure they'll be good for mom dad. The calander is written and posted on the fridge detailing just how tired my parents will be at the end of this week. Meals are in the fridge, labeled so the kids can whine about their contents days before actually eating them :)
I'm entirely thankful for each of my kids. I have loved Kolbe's growing up these last few months...he's becoming a friend...someone FUN to laugh and joke and relate to beyond 'kid' conversation. He is such a good kid. I look forward to what the next few years hold for him. Kenna is my little mini. She's effecient and determined. There will be no lapse in routine with her around! Avery will struggle without me tucking her in, I can already see her big brown eyes. She'll probably be the quiet, sad one. Eli, well...he's under dad's thumb! :) He'll be fine. He's perfect for everyone but me, so I think he'll be happy to see us when we get back, but won't miss us too much! Nate thinks I'm wrong here. I hope so! And Landri...my baby! What is it about her being my baby that just the thought of leaving her makes my eyes well and I just can't stand it? She wants to go with me on the airplane. Now, there is NO ONE on earth that she'd take to better than my dad, her prized 'PAPA' and "Grandma Neic" These two people rate incredibly high on her little importo-meter. But why wouldn't they?
There are no better grandparents in the world: they are always calling, always asking, always so involved in my kids' lives. My kids know they're loved because they FEEL it. And that is the only reason that I'm even slightly able to pull this off: I have never left my kids for more than a night. I feel safer with my chicks huddled close beside me. So, if I have to give up my spot in the nest there's no one I'd happier give it to than my parents.
......as a sidenote we're supposed to take a journal to express our feelings on this trip. I'm thinking it will be incredibly incoherent at times...because I 'ugly' cry.
I'll miss my monkies terribly! But I'm going to LOVE meeting this new one!