The big trip....

I know. I know. I'm a slacker.
I thought with some of the down time we had in country, I'd blog. I did it....once. But typing on an ipad isn't exactly effecient. And I'm lazy. Its like mixing oil and water. Plus, that supid auto-correct function was incredibly frustrating...I still have some editing of that last post to do! Believe me, I KNOW there were grammar errors...don't judge.

Anyhooooooo....where to start? How about the fact that people aren't exactly lining up to sit by Nate and me on the plane. He has major anxiety attacks. I think I mentioned this on my first blog. We're talking MAJOR. So we are figureing out the appropriate dosing schedule to keep a very clastrophobic/hyperactive man strapped in a 18 inch wide space for 12 hours. And me, as his travel mate, happily puking in my little 'sick' bag beside him. I think my favorite was the fact that due to turbulence my pretty little(seriously, they're beautiful) Korean Air flight attendent woudln't let me get up and had to be my 'delivery' service...trading in and out sick bags.

At this point of the process, I'm sad that we're a few months out...but incredibly grateful I don't have to fly any time soon...

Flying east, about as far as you could go from our home without starting to get closer again, we lost 18 hours. We were a day ahead of home...six hours behind. So contacting the kids was difficult because by the time we'd get back to the motel after the orphanage, Lu and Eli were often in bed and we didn't see much of them. Which STUNK.

The first motel we stayed at was in a large city. It was older, lodge-style. Thankfully the front desk girl spoke decent english so we had a small link to normalacy. We got to motel Sunday night local time. There was some government holiday Monday...so we entirely wasted a day doing nothing. I've seen my fair share of movies...and I'm paranoid as heck. So I would have been happy to hide in our room the whole day. However, my husband was chomping at the bit to get moving. So we walked. And walked. The country is grey and misty, apparently year round. Wasn't overly cold yet...just kind of depressing looking. We ventured to the sea, which I'm sure would have been very busy during summer weather. We wandered around the safety of the neighborhood near our motel.That was all I could grant him.

Tuesday morning we headed to the government office that granted a permit for us to visit Claire. As we waited our turn, the interpreter casually mentioned that they'd just ask us some basic questions...like, what are we adopting for? how much money we make? why we want Claire? You know...easy stuff....to discuss with a perfect stranger...who scowls and never smiles at all. ANXIETY. Well, apparently we passed the first hurdle and were granted permission to go to the orphanage. We spent about 2 hours driving around town getting things notarized and other business before heading out of town.
     side note: The traffic is NUTS. Nate and I were flinching as we huddled together in the back seat. The white line in the middle of the road doesn't even have the power to suggest which side of the road one should be on. Passing on the left? Nope. Not necessary. People weaved in and out of traffic...we thought for sure we'd die. There's no where to park? No problem. Just stack the parallel parking 2 or three cars deep. Doesn't matter if you box someone in, just leave a phone number. When we were shocked and asked if they wouldn't get a ticket our interpreter asked us, confused and shocked, if we would? YES! The roads are in terrible condition...monster pot holes everywhere.
Our orphanage was located about 3 and 1/2 hours from the main city we flew into. So we headed out...The terrain is totally different than ours. Mostly because the foliage is so different. The hills I would have seen covered in pine trees here were covered in birch trees. And they were thick along the roadsides...but no deer or wildlife to be seen. At all! I imagine its beautiful in the spring with leaves. The people don't smile, and its intimidating. The housing is something I can't comprehend. And...there's no toilet paper. Well, in our hotel there is. But, don't expect it in a public bathroom. Because you better be ready to shake it if you did. And...be thankful for toilets that were built for flushing toilet paper. See, its the simple things I was thankful for.
We spent many hours in the outdoor markets. Nate is alot more adventurous than I, for sure. We realized that this area of the world is a bit behind us...so, not everyone...really, hardly anyone, takes VISA. So, we'll take more cash next time :) We have learned some tips that will make eating a bit more enjoyable too. We're taking cup-o-noodles and peanut butter. And licorice. DANG it I wanted twizzlers! But on to the important stuff:
I can simply sum up our time at the orphanage with one word: Overwhelming.
Now this word has a negative connotation. And, in some ways, that would be accurate. There had been so much build up to this moment that my emotions were a wreck. My stomach hadn't really recovered from flying, so I felt awful. I was terrified. Nervous. Missing the children I've never left behind something terrible. But the good outweighed the bad! Anxious. Excited. Curious. I only had to glance at my husband and see the excited sparkle in his eyes to know where he stood.
When we got in the room, a designated play room for us, we waited for her. She arrived all decked out and dolled up. She ran straight for Nate and hugged and hugged and hugged him. She patted his cheeks, then pulled him in again. She gave me hugs too, but basically I'm just another woman in the room full of women. Nate was something entirely different, and...it melted him!
Day one was overstimulating. We had all our stuff laid out and she couldn't stay with one thing very long. She ate a disgusting amount of chocolates, and chugged grape juice until she puked it on Nate. We had about 3 hours together in this tiny room before her caretaker returned to take her back to her group. Now...another sidenote. Part of what scared me the most was what would her reaction to us be. Because all the training we have read says if they are affectionate with strangers then there will likely be attachment issues. And...while I'd like to pretend that she couldn't get enough of us...it wasn't like that. She'd play with us and then go over to the women who spoke her language. She'd climb in their laps and was most comfortable there. But that was a good thing to see. We saw firsthand that she has been loved. The rest of our time together we were careful to only have one thing out at a time.
 The caretaker and doctor both said that she is the 'star'...the kind, funny, happy child who helps everyone else, and we were both incredibly relieved to see that she had not been entirely neglected. Do I think she's had the best environment? No...absolutely not. But she will thrive in a family.
In our family. She has TONS of personality. She is spunky. And determined. And stubborn. She doesn't speak english, obviously, but she is SMART! She understood so much of what we said to her...and if she liked it, it was obvious. And if she didn't, it was also obvious! She would hold her hand up and kind of grunt at us! Like, back off! But we were told she's non-verbal. And we entirely disagree. The girl needs some speech therapy. But, I'm fairly confident she'll speak fine. Within the first visit she was repeating words we said. It was amazing.
I think her favorite thing we brought was the fake Hello Kitty fingernails. She loved them! Tapped them on the desk, and picked things up with them. It was funny. She loved doing my hair. She did it every day. She's a very good colorer.
We spent 4 days with her...
She's going to be fine. It will be an adjustment, for sure. And, its the biggest leap of faith I've ever taken.
We continue to take criticism from family/friends who 'don't understand'. And...believe me when I say I don't care if you 'understand'...it isn't your decision. It is the scariest thing I've ever done. And there are days I am terrified. A few have pointed out we already have 5 children. Kinda knew that. That is the ONLY reason this is scary. Because at this point...I have the perfect life. I don't have perfect children. I'm not perfect. But, this is my life! And, I'd choose it over again EVERY SINGLE CHANCE. And there are definite moments of doubt where I wonder what in the world my Heavenly Father sees in me that I don't. Because I'm inadequate in just about every way. There is no role I fill that I feel I do well. I do 'okay'...but nothing that I've mastered. So this adventure is walking out in the darkness, with faith, for sure. Knowing that there will be hard times and adjustments, I'm preparing my mind and heart for who are my true allies. Who can I share my struggles with in the future that won't silently(and...not so silently...) broadcast that they doubted my choice from the start? That they somehow knew better than I?
To these people I can only answer this: I have never, not even once, experienced that lightning bolt kind of answer to my prayers. My answers have always been a calm, I can 'see' this as my life kind of feeling. This experience has been similar to the one I had when I prayed to know if I should get married to Nate...after knowing him not quite 3 months...and never having had even one steady boyfriend...against my parents' wishes...at 19 years old. I just felt peace. Not overwhelming by any means. Just...an ability to 'see' my life with him. I may be only 15 year in...but if every decision that came with this kind of answer brings this amount of joy to my life, BRING IT ON!!!
When we went to the temple to consider this decision, we just looked at each other and knew, again, that we'd be here with her. Sealing her to us forever.
We didn't seek her out. We didn't decide on this country. We FOUND her. We prayed. We KNOW that she should come to our family. We are terrified just the same as we are excited. And we need prayers of support, and peace and comfort.
Stand with us.
Every single experience in my life that has proven to be difficult for me...every single one...has done one thing: drawn me closer to my Savior. I desperately need the strength and peace that comes from knowing that I am a daughter of God; I am His. He knows me and loves me. And...I'd like to believe that He is, on the whole, pleased with my efforts, even when I fall down.
This life is such a short moment of eternity! No matter the struggle we're in for...we're in for BLESSINGS as well! And then, we're promised an eternity of perfection! And...Claire is a HUGE part of that picture.
Heavenly Father, I cannot express without the rawest of emotions...just how deeply I recognize Thy hand in my life. I have been given the key to happiness, and blessed with the promise of eternity. And....I'm able to share these precious gifts with the ones I love the most: my family.
(sorry, no pics because I worry about privacy....)