As I sit here tonight I can honestly say I've been dreading tomorrow...December 28th, I hate you.
Two years ago tomorrow Nate and I were blindsided when Russian leaders banned the completion of our adoption. It began one of the most difficult, defining trials of my life. I have never encountered a trial of such heartache of a personal nature. This was it: my refining fire.
I would love to say I've responded gracefully. But I haven't. I still question the 'why' of this nightmare. I still cry. I still pray for her every day. I think of her. I wish I'd have been faster with the process. One night, I sat upright when she called for me in my dreams, "mamma". I wish...
It hasn't been MY grace that I've noticed at all.
Not my grace at all.
Last week my visiting teachers(in the LDS faith, you are 'assigned' women to visit and tend to your needs monthly) came. The message was on gratitude for the mission of the Savior. One of my visiting teachers happens to be one of the close friends I have made here. She said something about taking the blessing of a Savior for granted sometimes. And while I'm sure that I don't perfectly APPLY the gift of the Savior...not a day goes by that I am not thankful for it. Because I'm a lousy swimmer. And there are alot of times I feel like I am treading water. There is only one constant in this life...and it is Him.
So, tonight, I'm feeling a bit discouraged, and heavy hearted. Because I think this is an anniversary that will haunt me. And I cannot imagine what good will come of the ban on my sweet Dasha...MY sweet girl. But, good things are coming. In the next short bit...we'll bring home a boy. One meant for our family. And I won't lie, when my kids fight or the schedule is crazy my heart races and the voice of doubt sings in my ears. But nights like tonight I am sure of one thing: I'm coming. I'm bringing you home. I'm SEALING you to me for this life, and ETERNITY. You will not wait in this place forever little man.
I love you Daria. And I hate tomorrow.
