These are just the contenders for the 8x10 of each of the kids...and their group one...and some of me and my hubsy.
So, what do you think???
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
Some answers are different than what we expect...
It was a little tough today. No real crisis. Just some annoyances and things that had my blood a bit hot. And I was driving home and my chest was heavy with anxiety. I was feeling a bit like someone was in danger. You know?
And, recognizing it, I said a little prayer. Please. Please take this feeling away.
And my answer came. TWICE.
First, I was talking with my therapist. Whoops. I meant my best friend. She told me to go home and serve someone. So, I did.
And that feeling lessened.
Then, I opened my laptop and, these are what awaited me.
And...suddenly I felt much happier again.
And, recognizing it, I said a little prayer. Please. Please take this feeling away.
And my answer came. TWICE.
First, I was talking with my therapist. Whoops. I meant my best friend. She told me to go home and serve someone. So, I did.
And that feeling lessened.
And...suddenly I felt much happier again.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Laughter is good medicine...
Yesterday was such a high stress day. I was trying to finish getting the house ready for the homevisit with the social worker and, having no idea what to expect, I was a little stressed. I'd steam-cleaned the toilets, washed walls, and even made a lasagne to just casually 'slide into the oven cause I'm holly-homemaker, you know?'....Nate was taking his anxiety outside to the lawn, moving the last ghetto dirt pile from when we started renovating 2 summers ago...
Take a step back...like a month ago.
I'd had a conversation with my brother Jerry about our adopting. I told him we're adopting. He said to me, 'why? You have so many kids already?' It cracked me up so I didn't tell him any of the details. So yesterday morning, he popped in for a visit and I told him I wanted to show him a picture of our sweet daughter. So I showed him the only photos we have...and I asked him if he noticed anything about her...like, she was Down Syndrome? And he smiled and said yes...and then he said something that made my mom and me almost pee our pants laughing.
He spun around to mom and acted like he'd just caught onto something and said, 'MOMMMmmmmmm. I am NOT daTIng a handicap girl!!!" As if we are adopting Claire to simply bring home a mail order bride for him!
I stinking love this kid.
When we visited with the social worker later in the day she asked us what our draw to a handicap child was...
Well let me just say this: Jerry has been such a gift. Anyone who hasn't had the priviledge of such a special spirit has been ripped off! So, by the time we answered the social worker's question, she was crying.
So even if Jerry's not getting his 'hot chic'....we're getting the most beautiful, choicest of God's spirits...housed in a fragile temple, saved for us. Saved to come to our home, and teach us. And let us share in her life..and the mission that she has here on earth. So, while yesterday started off HUGELY stressful...it ended with family pictures(also kinda stressful) and then it ended with a feeling of satisfaction, and elation. Pure joy. Because we are headed somewhere big as a family.
Take a step back...like a month ago.
I'd had a conversation with my brother Jerry about our adopting. I told him we're adopting. He said to me, 'why? You have so many kids already?' It cracked me up so I didn't tell him any of the details. So yesterday morning, he popped in for a visit and I told him I wanted to show him a picture of our sweet daughter. So I showed him the only photos we have...and I asked him if he noticed anything about her...like, she was Down Syndrome? And he smiled and said yes...and then he said something that made my mom and me almost pee our pants laughing.
He spun around to mom and acted like he'd just caught onto something and said, 'MOMMMmmmmmm. I am NOT daTIng a handicap girl!!!" As if we are adopting Claire to simply bring home a mail order bride for him!
I stinking love this kid.
When we visited with the social worker later in the day she asked us what our draw to a handicap child was...
Well let me just say this: Jerry has been such a gift. Anyone who hasn't had the priviledge of such a special spirit has been ripped off! So, by the time we answered the social worker's question, she was crying.
So even if Jerry's not getting his 'hot chic'....we're getting the most beautiful, choicest of God's spirits...housed in a fragile temple, saved for us. Saved to come to our home, and teach us. And let us share in her life..and the mission that she has here on earth. So, while yesterday started off HUGELY stressful...it ended with family pictures(also kinda stressful) and then it ended with a feeling of satisfaction, and elation. Pure joy. Because we are headed somewhere big as a family.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Full fledged anxiety...its back.
This is a secret for my journal....so to speak.
I first stumbled upon the picture of my daughter in mid-February. It took me until really about the 2nd week of April to really get on board 100% with the idea of adopting her because, well, while my heart might be very easily impressed that this is the path our life should take, my mind is not so easily convinced.
How in the world are we going to raise nearly $40k? This is a fairly impressive chunk of our annual existence.
I struggled to wrap my head around this at first. And then I came to the place I would trust that Heavenly Father would make this work. But my resolve is about as impressive as my will power. And judging by the size of my butt...
So this week has been REALLY difficult again. We're talking full fledged anxiety over it. We plan to fundraise to the best of our ability. Apply for grants. And then rob the 401K. And then cry when we file our taxes next year.
My dearest friend in the world keeps reassuring me to relax, and trust this will all work out. And I'm trying. And it works, sometimes. So, how do you convince your mind to believe your heart knows what is best?
This adoption adventure is going to test me in so many ways.
I first stumbled upon the picture of my daughter in mid-February. It took me until really about the 2nd week of April to really get on board 100% with the idea of adopting her because, well, while my heart might be very easily impressed that this is the path our life should take, my mind is not so easily convinced.
How in the world are we going to raise nearly $40k? This is a fairly impressive chunk of our annual existence.
I struggled to wrap my head around this at first. And then I came to the place I would trust that Heavenly Father would make this work. But my resolve is about as impressive as my will power. And judging by the size of my butt...
So this week has been REALLY difficult again. We're talking full fledged anxiety over it. We plan to fundraise to the best of our ability. Apply for grants. And then rob the 401K. And then cry when we file our taxes next year.
My dearest friend in the world keeps reassuring me to relax, and trust this will all work out. And I'm trying. And it works, sometimes. So, how do you convince your mind to believe your heart knows what is best?
This adoption adventure is going to test me in so many ways.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Starved...
There's no doubt she's mine. Inside or out.
She's actually WAY cuter than I am. So perhaps there is a little of dad's blood flowing through these veins...
Monday morning this little sweetpea sassy pants had her adnoids removed, and tubes put in her ears AGAIN. This requires 'fasting', which quite honestly is not my strong suit either...
As we waited her turn, she was digging in my purse for something to entertain herself and she pulled out my bottle of ibuprophen. She shook it furiously and pried at it...then she said, "mommy, I EATTTT??? Pwease!" Desperation is a beautiful thing. I've always known I'd eat almost anything in a pinch, and apparently so will she!
When it was finally her turn, she climbed off my lap and followed the anethesiologist back through the big doors and into the operating room. I anticipated a MUCH bigger fight :)
The anesthesiologist confessed they accidentally gave her too much anesthesia, so she could NOT wake up! My other children have all had tonsils/tubes...so its not a foreign process. But instead of the glassy eyed, crazy child that thrashes about screaming when they come to, she laid there, completely limp and passed out. For the next 2 hours we worked to get her to open an eye, and it was work! She finally woke up enough to drink 2 juices and convince the staff she was ready to roll. So we dressed her and left. But as soon as she was strapped into her carseat, she was out again. We could not wake her up! She was essentially under from 8:30 until almost 3. When I called her pediatritian to ask if she was okay...she said, 'just make sure she's breathing.' Ummm. Okay? Panic! So, I packed her around all day, totally passed out.
When she came around she was ready to roll. And perhaps we played too hard, because the rest of the week has been hard on her. We've had several all night cry-sessions. There's NOTHING as heartbreaking as her cry of 'owwwiiee' or her sweet plea for a bandaid for her mouth. And the girl has rotten dragon-breath.
Oh, I hope we're almost better! I miss my playful little princess!
She's actually WAY cuter than I am. So perhaps there is a little of dad's blood flowing through these veins...
Monday morning this little sweetpea sassy pants had her adnoids removed, and tubes put in her ears AGAIN. This requires 'fasting', which quite honestly is not my strong suit either...
As we waited her turn, she was digging in my purse for something to entertain herself and she pulled out my bottle of ibuprophen. She shook it furiously and pried at it...then she said, "mommy, I EATTTT??? Pwease!" Desperation is a beautiful thing. I've always known I'd eat almost anything in a pinch, and apparently so will she!
When it was finally her turn, she climbed off my lap and followed the anethesiologist back through the big doors and into the operating room. I anticipated a MUCH bigger fight :)
The anesthesiologist confessed they accidentally gave her too much anesthesia, so she could NOT wake up! My other children have all had tonsils/tubes...so its not a foreign process. But instead of the glassy eyed, crazy child that thrashes about screaming when they come to, she laid there, completely limp and passed out. For the next 2 hours we worked to get her to open an eye, and it was work! She finally woke up enough to drink 2 juices and convince the staff she was ready to roll. So we dressed her and left. But as soon as she was strapped into her carseat, she was out again. We could not wake her up! She was essentially under from 8:30 until almost 3. When I called her pediatritian to ask if she was okay...she said, 'just make sure she's breathing.' Ummm. Okay? Panic! So, I packed her around all day, totally passed out.
When she came around she was ready to roll. And perhaps we played too hard, because the rest of the week has been hard on her. We've had several all night cry-sessions. There's NOTHING as heartbreaking as her cry of 'owwwiiee' or her sweet plea for a bandaid for her mouth. And the girl has rotten dragon-breath.
Oh, I hope we're almost better! I miss my playful little princess!
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Grateful...
I managed the impossible: Friday morning I escaped on a much needed, probably undeserved, yet highly enjoyed reprieve from being 'mom' and 'wife'! Ahhhhhh. It was such a fabulous weekend with some of my tightest inner circle. These are my girls. My just be myself, laugh til I cry, eat til I am sick, spill your guts kinda girls. We were missing Diane...but I only have probably one or two friends in my collection of 'God's tender mercy friends' who weren't there. And I felt incredibly blessed to enjoy this kind of trip with them. We sped(and I say this litterally, Holly's got some heavy-foot-itis going) to Billings for Time Out for Women. This is a women's conference not directly sponsored by our church, but certainly affiliated with some of our most salt of the earth rated people. This was my second Time Out...and I was certainly filled to the brim, both physically and spiritually.
So, for the record, here are my notes. Just some of the highlights that spoke to me personally. This is just a paraphrased selection...really, its just the message that I was supposed to hear.
There was a woman who was blinded mid-life by cancer...she's a mom, and she's amazing! She is funny beyond words and yet able to speak so candidly that it completely endeared me to her and her message. She talked about an experience she had where she was driving with her friend on a mountain pass and her friend let her drive! She prompted her 'a little to the left'...'a little to the left'....'now right!' ...and so on for over 45 minutes of driving! She talked about how we drive blindly as moms. And how we need the gentle reassurance and redirection of our Father in Heaven to steer us along. She drew the parrallel between her stinky pre-adolescent son's refusal to shower(I was totally with her on this one) and how he'd rather fake it then actually do it to the chance to really expereince the healing, cleansing living water of the Savior Jesus Christ. In the most personal application of Jacob chapter 5 parable of the vineyard I've ever heard she quoted about where the caretaker questioned the master on why some trees were planted in good soil and others in desolate, far off rocky places. And how He said he knew exactly where he'd planted every one.
What I loved: There have been different phases of my life where I have been planted in different places of the vineyard. Times where the sun has been brilliant and I've really felt able to stretch my roots and grow under the blessing of the sun. And there have been times when I have know rocky soil. And perhaps I've questioned why he'd put me there, instead of allowing the sunny place that I seem to flourish in. But He knows exactly where I am! AND...I do my flourishing in the rocky soil. I grow more, learn more and appreciate more fully the blessing of the times I am allowed a small reprieve and vacation to greener grass!
Another speaker taught that CPR means Caring Plus Response. That simply caring what happens is not going to affect the outcome...but responding, helping, will. She talked about Jesus Christ, and that with his power he could have simply made it be that our problems were fixed...that there was no evil or sorrow. He could have just allowed us to skip these things. But He didn't. He didn't skip coming and suffering for me. He did this so He could minister to me personally.
What I loved: I will change the way I approach each day. She said to give away 5 seconds of time away...through small and simple acts of love- and change my day. Change my family. Change my community, through increasing my access to my Savior and his personal love for me. I can do better to react in a way to things so that outcomes change...tempers are calmed...relationships strengthened and love increased.
Make sure I see the needs of everyone. The prophet Moroni in the Book of Mormon condemned our day because he saw it, and our lack of charity and compassion for those right in front of us. We are women on the errand of angels. The task of answering the needs of another might be overwhelming, but there is something I can do. YOU must be the change you wish to see in the world.
What I loved: I get a bit wrapped up in the daily happenings of my own life that I'm too preoccupied to really reach out to others in the way I should. And its usually my own family that consumes my time, but I could involve them more. Teach them to serve by doing it with them. I'm definitely scheming of things we can do together. Simple service projects that require a few hours and many hands. Things we can do: by blessing we will be blessed! Its my new mantra!
And then there was the speaker who assured us that He knows our mountains and deserts...and every single point of our journey here. I simply must trust that He is aware of me, and change the way I petition his help and seek His answers. Probably the most challenging thing is in trusting His timing. We have no idea what situations are at play in the grand picture, and by pleading for an end to our own struggle, we can't see the struggles of others. Trust that He will indeed rescue us when it is best for us. She referenced Matthew 9 as a day in the life of the Savior. I'm excited to study this chapter better! And finally, she taught that sacrfice will lead to miracles. Through the tender story of Abraham and Issac she taught 'what is it I will sacrifice so that the Lord can teach me more clearly?' My favorite was that Abraham did not know there would be an angel, or a ram in the thicket. But that if I do not withhold anything from the Lord, and sacrifice freely, He will provide an angel, and a ram in the thicket.
What I loved: Well, everything! I can do better. I can trust His plan, be faithful that by doing my best to accept this plan I'll recieve the promise He's offered.
And then there's the music. So good!
I can't tell you how grateful I am to spend time in the temple with my dear friends. And to share in the moments that most definitely strengthed all of our weary, mommy-hearts! Each of us knows struggles that are similiar...each of us knows individual refining and pain. But we're each on the same journey, learning the same lesson in slightly different schools. How thankful I am to be reminded that He knows exactly where I am. And exactly how to succor and strengthen me!
And....that after being spoiled with some time away, receiving sweet kisses and hugs from children that made this weekend feel unnecessary!
So, for the record, here are my notes. Just some of the highlights that spoke to me personally. This is just a paraphrased selection...really, its just the message that I was supposed to hear.
There was a woman who was blinded mid-life by cancer...she's a mom, and she's amazing! She is funny beyond words and yet able to speak so candidly that it completely endeared me to her and her message. She talked about an experience she had where she was driving with her friend on a mountain pass and her friend let her drive! She prompted her 'a little to the left'...'a little to the left'....'now right!' ...and so on for over 45 minutes of driving! She talked about how we drive blindly as moms. And how we need the gentle reassurance and redirection of our Father in Heaven to steer us along. She drew the parrallel between her stinky pre-adolescent son's refusal to shower(I was totally with her on this one) and how he'd rather fake it then actually do it to the chance to really expereince the healing, cleansing living water of the Savior Jesus Christ. In the most personal application of Jacob chapter 5 parable of the vineyard I've ever heard she quoted about where the caretaker questioned the master on why some trees were planted in good soil and others in desolate, far off rocky places. And how He said he knew exactly where he'd planted every one.
What I loved: There have been different phases of my life where I have been planted in different places of the vineyard. Times where the sun has been brilliant and I've really felt able to stretch my roots and grow under the blessing of the sun. And there have been times when I have know rocky soil. And perhaps I've questioned why he'd put me there, instead of allowing the sunny place that I seem to flourish in. But He knows exactly where I am! AND...I do my flourishing in the rocky soil. I grow more, learn more and appreciate more fully the blessing of the times I am allowed a small reprieve and vacation to greener grass!
Another speaker taught that CPR means Caring Plus Response. That simply caring what happens is not going to affect the outcome...but responding, helping, will. She talked about Jesus Christ, and that with his power he could have simply made it be that our problems were fixed...that there was no evil or sorrow. He could have just allowed us to skip these things. But He didn't. He didn't skip coming and suffering for me. He did this so He could minister to me personally.
What I loved: I will change the way I approach each day. She said to give away 5 seconds of time away...through small and simple acts of love- and change my day. Change my family. Change my community, through increasing my access to my Savior and his personal love for me. I can do better to react in a way to things so that outcomes change...tempers are calmed...relationships strengthened and love increased.
Make sure I see the needs of everyone. The prophet Moroni in the Book of Mormon condemned our day because he saw it, and our lack of charity and compassion for those right in front of us. We are women on the errand of angels. The task of answering the needs of another might be overwhelming, but there is something I can do. YOU must be the change you wish to see in the world.
What I loved: I get a bit wrapped up in the daily happenings of my own life that I'm too preoccupied to really reach out to others in the way I should. And its usually my own family that consumes my time, but I could involve them more. Teach them to serve by doing it with them. I'm definitely scheming of things we can do together. Simple service projects that require a few hours and many hands. Things we can do: by blessing we will be blessed! Its my new mantra!
And then there was the speaker who assured us that He knows our mountains and deserts...and every single point of our journey here. I simply must trust that He is aware of me, and change the way I petition his help and seek His answers. Probably the most challenging thing is in trusting His timing. We have no idea what situations are at play in the grand picture, and by pleading for an end to our own struggle, we can't see the struggles of others. Trust that He will indeed rescue us when it is best for us. She referenced Matthew 9 as a day in the life of the Savior. I'm excited to study this chapter better! And finally, she taught that sacrfice will lead to miracles. Through the tender story of Abraham and Issac she taught 'what is it I will sacrifice so that the Lord can teach me more clearly?' My favorite was that Abraham did not know there would be an angel, or a ram in the thicket. But that if I do not withhold anything from the Lord, and sacrifice freely, He will provide an angel, and a ram in the thicket.
What I loved: Well, everything! I can do better. I can trust His plan, be faithful that by doing my best to accept this plan I'll recieve the promise He's offered.
And then there's the music. So good!
I can't tell you how grateful I am to spend time in the temple with my dear friends. And to share in the moments that most definitely strengthed all of our weary, mommy-hearts! Each of us knows struggles that are similiar...each of us knows individual refining and pain. But we're each on the same journey, learning the same lesson in slightly different schools. How thankful I am to be reminded that He knows exactly where I am. And exactly how to succor and strengthen me!
And....that after being spoiled with some time away, receiving sweet kisses and hugs from children that made this weekend feel unnecessary!
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