Where is thy hiding place....

If I knew now what I do, would it change things?
I have always been taught that God is constant, and unchanging. And I believe it. I know it. I also know that He knows the end from the beginning...and as I consider this great power it makes me ever so certain that He is real, that He is mindful of me...and that His patience is AMAZING. There is no way I'd be able to do it: know what was gonna happen and be able to sit back and let it go, knowing it was not going to work. Nope...I would be so tempted to take the easy road; less heartache, more joy, less mistake, more progression.

I have a blessed life. I know God. I am certain that there are days He is unpleased with me. I am sad to realize how many times I must disappoint Him. When I watch my children learn and grow...and repeat choices that I disagree with its easy for my patience to falter...my temper to win. And yet, even though I can't see Him, I know He's not shaking his head, asking what the heck I'm doing? Its overwhelming to know how imperfect I am. And yet I know He loves me....despite it all, in spite of me. Thankfully, He's not waiting for me to deserve His mercy...and its extended to me daily, sometimes in quiet kind acts from friends...others in open answer to my prayer. I can not doubt my faith...it is the only thing that makes constant sense in my life. And I hesitate a little thinking perhaps you judge my church solely by my failings. I hope not, I'm a doofus.

I know my family will be forever. I have a husband who loves me. He works hard, plays a lot and loves our children perfectly. He demands their best and leads by example. There's no room to question where he stands, on anything. Its black or its white. He's fair, and respectful and I've never met anyone who lives their life as FULLY as he does. My children are blessed.

I have five brilliant children. Kinda naughty...definitely sassy...strong-willed....and determined. BRILLIANT. And perfect. I can't question that these feisty little spirits were saved for this day...to come to earth at a time when things are tough. There's NOTHING like watching them figure things out. There's no joy like their successes. And strangely, they are amazing in spite of my failures. Seriously...I'd pick these ones all over again if the need arose :)

I can see the Lord's hand in so many aspects of my life. So many. The unmatchable sunsets here...whisper quietly He knows me. The frozen trees remind me of the beauty in all things. There is one place I am grounded...and its definitely in knowing He's in control. Because I am definitely not.

My car wreck has been a bit harder than I think I ever expected. Almost 2 years later I have constant back pain...my hip is torn and requires surgery...and I have headaches that only are appeased by super uncomfortable, expensive shots in my head/neck every six months. My exercise ability is like 60% of normal...which is frustrating. And I'm grumpy about it.
We've made some personal choices...all by prayer...that have not be easy. That we battle every day.

One year ago tomorrow morning Nate and I boarded a plane for the desolate, cold destination of Vlad to meet our daughter. I can't even replicate the emotions I had. And now have. With what has happened these last 12 months I am glad I didn't know then what I know. Because I doubt my strength. I doubt my heart. I can't even think of my great sorrow in this experience without crying. Its beyond devastating...still. My heart can't quite extend un-tainted 'kindness' to the ones who out and out criticized me. I know I should, I just hurt too much still. We fasted...we prayed...we were LED to Dasha. She 'looked' like my child...she carved her tiny handprint into my heart. Why we were led to this place to have such unexplained sadness I don't think I'll ever know. 

It would be easy to let myself question God...to ask 'where is thy hiding place'? To be bitter. But I am not. I love God...and while I have not been spared the heartache that comes with experience...I recognize His hand always. It terrifies me to consider my life without faith. So, I will not doubt it. I will seek Him. I will try harder. I will see joy where it is.