my missing piece....

I just love this time of year. I love the fact that the world as a whole is a little more receptive to the message that Jesus Christ is our Savior. I love that kindness is almost a reaction, that human nature is paused for a minute to allow for Christ-like behavior to step forward. I love that because of this celebration, my life is promised the gift of redemption. And peace. And hope.

And I love the childhood giddiness and anticipation for Christmas morning. I love watching the older kids transition from believing in Santa to a realization of what mom and dad have made their reality. I pretty much just love this season.

But I can't wonder why what I'd envisioned for this Christmas can't be? Nate keeps telling me he can't buy me anything, has no idea what to get me, that I'm so hard to buy for. Really? Maybe its because what I'm wanting isn't for sale. What my heart longs for this year is my missing piece.

A piece of my life puzzle that once I discovered, I can't believe how much its absence just hurts. I think people have forgotten. I can't. I miss her. I hate saying "....my five children", because I have six. But I assume people want me to get over it. I just can't.

I am sure I will struggle every day with the miserable knowledge that sweet, and spicy, little Dasha is never coming home. And I am blessed that the five children I have HERE are healthy and happy. I wonder where the line is between being ungrateful for the life that's mine and the heartbreak of disappointment and sadness over Dasha.

Its not like I'm asking for a fancy car, or diamond earrings. I just wanted another child, unwanted by most, to love and strengthen. That's what I want for Christmas...