Its time...

I don't know if my husband will agree with me, but I think its time. The only reason I think its okay to do this without his permission is that it was my heart we were protecting from the start.

Just over two years ago we began something that has indescribably, indefinitely changed us. And for the sake of this particular 'blog'...I am just going to speak first person, though I'm sure my sweet husband's emotions mirror so many of my own.
My heart is weary and tired of hanging onto the hurt of this trial. Part of this heartache I don't get the luxury of letting go of: its not mine to undo. But hopefully, this entry into my 'journal' will allow me the freedom to get rid of the ugliness that I've allowed to linger...to fester, and color my outlook on life.
So many times I've stood to bear my testimony in church and I can only control my emotions so long...and I ramble...and I never really get to say what's in my heart. So, here goes:
When I say the past two years have been hard, its largely an understatement. Believe me when I say that I am not a baby...I do not focus on only the negative. I have fought  to see with grateful eyes...and thankfully, and mercifully, I DO! I am blessed. I am loved. And, I love...so many things, so many people.
But, like I've said a thousand times...I don't understand. But this statement is probably something you don't understand...because I don't use it to encourage sympathy. I don't use it to explain my heartache...solely. I really don't understand. But, I am so thankful for the tender mercies that have given me glimpses...
When Nate and I began the process of adopting our Dasha from Russia over 2 years ago...I was terrified. Mostly, about the money. How in the world would we do it? Well, everyone I'd met in our place was fundraising. It was uncomfortable, but I could lose my pride and do it...right?
Oh, and my favorite, "don't you realize you have five kids already?"
I don't understand it. We entered a journey that terrified us. And suddenly, voices who'd had NO authority to plan our family size with the addition of previous children suddenly felt powerful and entitled. And I was devastated. Betrayed. But, determined to bring home this little girl. My mother begged me to tell the story. That 'they'd understand'...I've come to know they never will. And, I've got to forgive them their ignorance. Because hopefully by recording this, I can finally move on...forgive. Be forgiven.
Nate and I fasted and prayed. We went to the temple. I cannot tell you how many times we prayed about this. And...how the absolute confirmation that we were to pursue adoption of this child was undeniable. How else could we keep going? Every decision...minus those trivial ones like, black sweats or blue sweats?....we try to base on prayer. And faith. And we aren't perfect. But we're trying to do what's right...
But I don't understand...I never will. How did we stumble on a child that LOOKED like she was ours? And why is the pride and evilness of one man able to keep her from the blessings of an eternal family the happiness of normal everyday life in a home? That is something I will never reconcile in my heart. But with faith, I know through examples in the scriptures, that sometimes the choices of others cause suffering for those around them. This is my Dasha's fate.
I love this little chicka. I pray for her every night...that she'll remember our hugs and kisses. Remember being held. And wanted.
And I put my faith in God that he'll cover the rest.

But for the months after the ban on our adoption, I was done. No more. Never again....right? Wrong. Because truth was, Nate and I now craved the love and change that would come by expanding our family through adoption. And, we also knew something else...one silver lining in the sadness of our failed adoption. We knew this child would be down syndrome. And while I pleaded with God for understanding as to why we had been led to Dasha, on how we could be led down this path to only have to face such sadness...I didn't think I'd ever make sense of it.
I haven't, completely. But there is a tiny sliver of knowledge that has become such a comfort to me. One night I was crying to my bestie and she pointed out that perhaps the reason we were led to Dasha...was that another child needed us and that without falling in love with a child who fit so seamlessly...who looked like mine, and stole my heart so quickly...we'd have never considered adopting a special needs child. And she is right. So, so right.
So, we started over. We prayed. We knew. We acted.
I've let my hurt feelings and broken heart steal the joy that comes from this announcement. But...its time.
And I'm praying that sharing this openly allows my heart to heal in some way. Because we are WICKED excited...

You can find out a little about him on Reece's Rainbow...we did. But you don't get to bring him home...cause WE ARE. We better have him home in a few months! We had to start at square one...and I think we've dealt with every stupid person available in the process. But we've also had lots of help, and some of my adoption friends have a place in my heart that no one else will ever have. They've walked in my shoes! We are trudging along...he's worth it :)