...gotta prove to daddy that I'm not a fool....

Back to school! Back to school!

Yep, I'm singing it out loud today! My house is beautifully quiet! In a few days I'll miss the chaos that I enjoyed all summer long. But I have to mourn my loss for a few days. And, I don't plan to rush the process!

I love back to school pics. I love that they capture the giant personalities of my crazies. I love that they provide a measurable record of their growth: not just physical growth, but I can see the changes in their confidence, maturity and enthusiasm.

Alright...here they are. Back to school 2013

 Lu's version of standing still and smiling nice...

 The caboose of this crazy train has more personality than the others before her. I don't know how that's possible, since I don't have a quiet, plain Jane personality kid. But Landri is so much fun...she is a blend of all the others, benefiting and suffering from the tricks of her siblings! Can't imagine my days without her sunshine!

 if this isn't my 'Double Trouble' pic....

 Love my little sparkplug. If I have one kid that mirror's his daddy's energy and love of life...its Eli. Sure, the kid makes me crazy some days, but so does his dad! Kidding...sort of! Seriously love this little monkey.

 Yes, Avery is back to dressing in full fashionista mode. She has a sense of 'fashion' all her own, and I love that it compliments her little happy-going personality. She's a treasure, always happy and easy to please. I love knowing that her teacher will fall in love with her immediately, as she's almost impossible not to love! Grateful she's mine...

 Yes, hello sixth grade...and MASCARA. Be still my heart, why must we have to grow up? I love this kid. I could do without a little of her sassiness sometimes, but am also very aware that her little stinky-streak is what allows her to keep her standards. Her conscious(sp?) is so on the surface that it makes me giggle, and her constant reminders of what I need to do, when, make me bonkers. But I love this kid to pieces. She's a mini-me, and in her goals last night she rattled off that she'd like to start for the 7th grade bball team and get straight A's. And...I dare you to hold her back!

 My Bo-Bee...

 I am entirely looking up at this boy. He just took off this summer and I swear he grows every night. Perhaps placing his bedroom by the food storage room wasn't a good idea, as I'm forever finding chip bags under his bed. I thoroughly enjoyed Kolbe this summer. He has a calm, funny way. He is slightly dingy, like my mom. I look forward to this year with Kolbe...he smugly informed me this morning on our walk to the school that he's 'a big 8th grader....the kings of elementary' this morning. Oh, how I love that they have such cocky swagger already!

 my favorite!!!

 right where Lu belongs: toted by Kolbe and Kenna

Catch up...

We were a bit limited on our vacationing this year, as Nate doesn't have any vacay time with his job until Jan 2014. But we managed to get out camping  several times and I think the kids would still report that summer vacation was a success. And...really, I lOVED my time with all of them home all stinking summer, right up until last week! At that point their beloved swimming pool closed and the incessant chants of "we have nothing to do!" started and mommy's patience thinned. I took them all to the café yesterday for a back to school celebration(we all celebrate for different reasons, wink wink).  And this morning, its just me and little Lu, snuggled up under a blankie watching her favorite toons. It was her request last night, as she weaseled in 10 more minutes in my bed claiming to be 'so faweezing in my bed'.

I love this time of my life. I love the giggling of my children. I love their friendships. I love their stinky little bodies, still brown from summer fun. I love it all.....well, most of it! :)

my happily ever after....

Well anyone who reads this silly blog knows that I don't hold a lot back. I believe in TRUTH. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
And I can't help but get a little nostalgic this morning as I sit at the table and remember my life 16 years ago today. All of it.

I was 19. And scared to death. Oh sure, I was giddy excited too. I woke up at the horrific time of about 5 am and showered, loading all of my princess accessories into the back of my parent's vehicle. We were heading north, crossing the border. I was getting married.

Because not every marriage is a 'Cinderella Story', my parents were terrified. I had only known and dated Mr. Wonderful for a few months. They peppered me with questions of 'how much do you know him? have you prayed and fasted about this?' and when my stubborn 19 year old attitude would fight back, they'd recede their concerns, at least vocally. And the funny thing is, MY fears mirrored theirs! I just didn't tell them :) Now, before you get carried away thinking I didn't want to marry Nate...I'll correct you. He was nothing short of perfect in all our dating. And I loved him. But I can't even call those emotions I experienced 16 years ago 'love'.

In our faith we are given the opportunity for a Patriarchal Blessing. This is simply a blessing, offered from a specific individual who's been given the authority and privileged this calling. The blessing is different for every person. A Patriarchal blessing offers only some insight into your life, and promises of what happiness awaits a righteous life. Sometimes there is wisdom for trials we may face. Its directly a message from a loving Father to YOU. It can be very specific, or very general. Mine is the latter: its short. And one of the few tender messages within my blessing counsels my preparation in choosing a husband...the 'most important decision I will ever make in this lifetime.'
Despite my fears 16 years ago, I remember the day I prayed specifically to know if marrying Nate, so incredibly fast after we'd met, was truly as 'right' as I felt it was. And I remember the calm, happy feeling that immediately came. I remember the way I could just 'see' my life with Nate. And I knew. I knew that despite the jitters that were ravaging my insides...this was it!
I cannot express how many times I have been annoyed with myself for those fears long ago! Oh, man, was I blessed! These 16 years have indeed provided me an understanding of why selecting the right spouse is THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION I WOULD EVER MAKE.
Because of this choice, my children have a father. He expects much of them, but is the first one to rush to their support in any and all things they do. His enthusiasm and pure love spills over into everything he does, and my children are evidence of that. In a world where families struggle, my children know complete security. Its not something they can appreciate yet, or at least vocalize, but I recognize the strength of this blessing. My children are led: our church released a Proclamation about the importance of families many years ago. In it comes the counsel that fathers provide, preside and protect. How perfectly my husband does these things. He is forever trying to make sure our family is provided for, temporally and spiritually.
So many times in the last many years I have been told, even publicly, 'wow, you did good Julie'. How I know this!
16 years. I can't believe I'm old enough to claim that, but I'm so stinking proud to do it! I have the best husband. He has been my source of constant. I always know what to expect of him, how he'll react, what he'll do and say in any situation. Its a huge strength to know exactly what I'll be living with from day to day. He is kind, and has never even raised his voice at me. He supports me in everything I do...he tolerates my stubborn streak. He is loud. He values those things that matter the most to me.
I am eternally grateful this man is mine forever! There is no way I could have ever imagined our life together on this morning, 16 years ago. I was thinking in very immediate terms. But now, with a little experience under my belt, I am dreaming of what the next 16 will bring!
I am so incredibly grateful this morning for the answered prayer of a scared 19 year old girl. And for the incredible life I've been blessed with!
Happy Anniversary to me!

FUNDRAISE this......

I've been struggling for some time now with the idea of this post. I've bounced around a whole spectrum of emotions...well, I suppose that isn't entirely accurate. I've never really crossed that center line at which 'happiness' or 'giddish contentment' ever existed. Mostly I stagger between anger, frustration, defeat and complete sadness.

So I'll preface this journal entry with this: June 25th my sweet baby girl Dasha turned 9. She celebrated the day in her orphanage, I think, all the way across the world. She had nothing of the hoop-la we dreamed of giving her for this occasion: her first real birthday. The first landmark of her time in a family. We envisioned cake, and ice-cream. Balloons. And swimming. Who knows what else. Instead of this, I struggled to keep my composure this day. I managed all my required functions, yet this day was NOTHING what I dreamed. I ended up tucking myself into bed early that day, not saying a lot to anyone. I mourned alone, because my handsome husband of 16 years can't remember the birthdays of our biological children, much less Dasha's yet.  I don't really even know where she was. But I'm fairly certain there was no cake. And damn it, there was NO me. This is a cruel fact that haunts me every single day. Part of my heart will mourn this child for the rest of this mortal life. And, perhaps naively, because I've never experienced this, it seems harder than death. Because that at least is certain. I have no idea what my daughter will endure for the rest of her life. But I am certain on what she will miss. And it breaks my heart just considering it.

The decision to add Dasha to our family was a BIG one. We knew from the start she was meant to be ours. And so, from now until we meet God, and hopefully then beyond, she is our child. Our decision drew a bit of talk. Some people thought we're nuts with the 5 kids we have. Newsflash: WE ARE. But, we're happy, and headed in the right direction. Some days seem more of a straight path than others, and some prove to show very slow progress. But, we are an eternal family. And this is the life I would choose EVERY SINGLE TIME all over again. I love my husband and my children eternally. They are evidence of a loving God, who loves me so entirely that I have been given just a brief glimpse of eternity in my daily life. (I could write a column for 'Mormon Housewives' no doubt...) But I am truly blessed. And I know it!

I can honestly say when Nate and I conceived our 5 bio kids that no one reading this was a part of that decision. It was ours. Ours alone. And the adoption of a foreign, special needs child into our home...was just the same to us. It was our decision. Ours alone. Sure, excitement from our friends and family was a bonus...in the same manner that criticism, whether masked as 'good-intentioned concern' or not, was incredibly painful. But we know that this girl was/IS our daughter. Prideful men have ensured that she won't be in our arms for who knows how long....maybe her mortal life. Its something I can barely consider......sanely.

That was my PREFACE.

This is what I really need to say.

The cost of bringing Dasha home was going to be staggering. One visit in, we had pre-paid all our in country fees, all our agency fees...registered her to be a citizen, expedited Visa's...and our total was over $20k. We fundraised a little, with a garage sale and ipad auction. This was always uncomfortable to me, but it was something we agreed to attempt because, well, the grossly inadequate estimation of $50,000 was something we had no idea how we'd come up with. We plumaged our retirement accounts....an action we've yet to suffer for on our income taxes. That blow will hit next year...when we thought we'd have an adoption credit to offset it. I estimate it will cost us over $8000 in tax, just on our federal tax return. Why am I being so upfront? Because, there are those who think they have a right to spread ugly un-truth's about our finances. So, I will humbly offer a few details here.
The money we fundraised...totaled about $4000. Big chunks of it was written in checks to our Reece's Rainbow account. Just over half was cash. This money was used to pay for our visas...which were ball-park $1500. We also paid for our USCIS applications, which were just shy of a grand.
We have over $13k dollars remaining in Dasha's adoption account. Which, really isn't hers anymore. Because she's unavailable for adoption. But these funds are absolutely, with no exception, UNAVAILABLE to us, shy of pursuing an additional adoption.
Do the math. If you see what we've invested thus far, strictly financially speaking, you can see the fundraised money was a huge blessing, but by no means the largest source of money in our account. Forget the details...but its our retirement money.

A few months ago we refinanced our house. It lowered our house payment $200 bucks. Wahhooooo! It also allowed us to replace the rest of our windows and doors, which were original to the home and in terrible shape. We loved having warm windows that prevented the curtains from dancing in the breeze. We are in the midst of replacing our bathroom, because there is a leak behind the shower and there is some mold. Its a project I had on my 'dream' list for the house. But I'm fairly responsible financially...so it wasn't anywhere near a reality simply based on aesthetics. We also are having to tear out our fireplace. There is sheetrock behind the rock...which is starting to burn. We saw the heat lines. They're scary. We'll put it back together so that our fireplace can continue to induce the oh-so-welcome 80 degree temperatures we love! Oh sure, like the bathroom, its gonna be soooooo pretty when its done! Both projects are need based however.

But there a rumblings that I'm using my adoption money to finance all my home repairs. And while I have been sorely tempted to address all my frustrations publicly, I'll stop with this: It is entirely shallow, and ugly beyond explanation, that this has happened. We refinanced our house. We also recently sold our nicer car to pay for the other improvements. Not ONE PENNY of our adoption money has been used by us personally. If you prove to be an intelligent person, you can see for yourself that we way more than spent our fundraised money on the adoption of Dasha. Oh, I forgot more personal information you're obviously entitled to: our camper. Yep, we bought my uncle's camp trailer last summer. With our retirement money. Yep. We took out less than the average family spends on one vacation...and figured we'd never have money again...might as well take out a little more than we were using for the adoption and buy a camper where we can spend our summers like the Clampits...together. I've got a cleared check to prove it.

I have no regrets in any of the choices I made over the last 18 months...at least the ones you're reading about. The only part of this heartbreak that will remain a mystery for all of my readers now is how many nights I will continue to stare at my ceiling...wondering exactly how this was God's will. (That's another blog...I know its not His will, rather the action of men). But for those of you who've wondered...how I'm squandering your hard-earned money to lavishly upgrade my house...hopefully this is one mystery solved.

It personally makes me beyond mad that these rumblings existed...but more than that, I'm sad. Which seems to be the lasting experience from this whole adventure.

Back to it....

I have been 'telling' my children that work is part of our purpose on this earth every.single.day. of their lives. So why is it they avoid this task like its the sure-fire end of their lives?
I've been creative: awarded cleanliness. Assigned piggy points that had attached consequences. Gotten Cranky. Lots. And none of it is working. Cutesie chore charts...spinners on the fridge. Prizes. Demands. NOTHING WORKS INDEFINITELY.
My children have gotten used to the idea that mom is their slave. And, I have WAY too many of them for that to be a good thing. Besides, I'm a believer that kids should work right along side of their parents. For, one day, they'll be running their own ships...with monkies of their own. And...like Adam learned when he was booted from the garden...every single thing we get in this life comes by the sweat of our brow(or Obama's handouts....-sorry, couldn't resist). How can I fail to teach this most inherintely important concept???
Now, honestly...this is pretty cyclical at our house. At some points they do their chores(never happily) but they do them. And now we're definitely on the down swing of this cycle. And I'm so so so frustrated. Not angry. DEFEATED. Its my JOB to teach them. And...I can't seem to figure this out.

So...I've instuted a new law. Its called: THE LAW OF THE PIG

IF YOU LIVE LIKE A PIG....YOU WILL EXPERIENCE HIS FREEDOM.

Now...the premise is simple. If you want to trot around freely....roll in your mud periodically...and live the good life....WORK.  No more asking for help. Its an expectation in this house. And ALL freedoms hinge on the expectation being fulfilled.

Cable tv. WII. Friends. All of it.

I'm thinking tv is leaving us anyhoooooooo. I may die without HGTV, and Nate SURELY will die without ESPN. But there is a peace in our home when the background noise is laughter from a board game, or teaching Landri a ridiculous dance move.

So, no more cranky mom. I refuse to be so. But the kids have been warned: THE LAW OF THE PIG is firmly in force! Freedoms are entirely contingent on compliance.

Here is to one sparkly, peaceful, happy-filled life.

Bo-bee Binners

At what point does my handsome Charlie Chuck Cheese Bo-bo Binners outgrow the cutesie nicknames? Hopefully NEVER. In fact, this kid answers to Bo and Bin almost more than he does his real name...which, is a perfectly nice name....just not what rolls off my tongue!

Kolbe turns 14 in a month. And I can't believe it. This is one good kid. He has a glitch here or there where his patience snaps for 'annoying' brother and sisters...but this boy is such a blessing. I am watching him grow up and I'm experiencing a blender of emotions. Sad...cause, well, that means he'll eventually leave me. I am proud: he is kind, and mature(as far as a 13 year old can be :)  and he is always rolling on the floor letting his little sister climb all over him. He can't quite ever be bothered by Luie...he just chuckles at everything she does and melts when she says, "ohhhhh, I just love you so much Bobee."

As I watch him grow, I'm excited to see how big he'll be. I mean really, the Pitcher blood has sort of inhibited any chance of my children being 'big'....but from day one Bo has been a big kid and he seems to be continuing to grow. He's passed me now and is gaining on Nate. His feet are size 10, which has Nate all kinds of excited. Size is a dream!!! 

I told Nate after watching the last track meet that I was so excited, I could really see myself becoming one of those obnoxious track moms! He is doing so good, and its fun to watch his head LITERALLY grow with every positive accomplishment. Now, I don't want a cocky kid...and be warned, I'll happily humble him should he get there...but some swagger is healthy! There is something so fulfilling about watching your child figure out that he's capable of something....and...something uncomfortable about

watching them shy away from things they aren't excelling at. And...its a bit of both. But hopefully the swag from success carries over and allows him to push through things he isn't top dog at.

He's always been my apprehensive...calm...routiine kid. He's never liked new things...and we have so enjoyed the journey thus far. He is my 'test' kid. I apologize  to him regularily that as my oldest...its a crap shoot: some of my tactics my work...some might not. I expect SO much of him and must remind myself he IS a 13 (almost 14) year old boy...

I hope this kid knows how much I love him. He is such a blessing. I really do know that God has big plans for him. I hope he forgives me for my flaws...and that we can figure this out together. Parenting is really the hardest...most exhausting...confusing task there is. But if they turn out like this kid: its entirely worth it! I am so happy that I 'chose this boy'....there's nothing I would rather be than his mom.

She's my little SunBEAM!

Just a few of my favorite Luie moments lately.....

I said over and over that I deserved a really quiet, calm child after Eli...and while sometimes I'm a bit hacked that I didn't get it...I LOVE LOVE LOVE my Lou. She is a sassy little spice drop! A few of my favorite things lately cente around the fact that she can't say 'f' at all...and  her 's' sound on the first of her word are non-existent. So it cracks me up to hear her say things...
On top of this...she just says funny stuff!
1) In sacrament meeting she was trying to con me into taking her into the hall to get a drink. It wasn't working. So...she scrunched her nose and said, 'but mommy I'm really really drinky'. That one worked.
2) Lu's little body is porportioned a bit like mine. And, while at her age every little  roll and dimple is adorable, and at mine they're not-quite adorable...she's absolutely perfect. Her little pants are always scooting their way down, revealing her little bum. She's coined the phrase, 'oh man! I've got a hang-out butt!" instead of saying her butt's hanging out.
3) Holy cwap!
4) I'm dinking cold mom!
5) She's been trained that her legs are actually her 'sausage legs' and refers to them accordingly.
6) tonight's blessing on the food went like this: 'Hebby Bodder, please bless this dude help it be healthy and dwong" and when we all got the giggles, without even breaking stride she shooshed us and finished her prayer
7)when she was busted for being a naughty monkey she responded, "mom, Jesus ka-why-st, he told me you're dupid!"

There are alot of days that have been hard lately. But I can be sure that Lu will make me smile every single day.

What would I do without my kids? They are all SO stinking different. Different personalities..tempers...likes and dislikes...I've raised 5 little saracastic stinks who can crack a joke at the most inappropriate times! And...I LOVE IT........most of the time.

:)