The big trip....

I know. I know. I'm a slacker.
I thought with some of the down time we had in country, I'd blog. I did it....once. But typing on an ipad isn't exactly effecient. And I'm lazy. Its like mixing oil and water. Plus, that supid auto-correct function was incredibly frustrating...I still have some editing of that last post to do! Believe me, I KNOW there were grammar errors...don't judge.

Anyhooooooo....where to start? How about the fact that people aren't exactly lining up to sit by Nate and me on the plane. He has major anxiety attacks. I think I mentioned this on my first blog. We're talking MAJOR. So we are figureing out the appropriate dosing schedule to keep a very clastrophobic/hyperactive man strapped in a 18 inch wide space for 12 hours. And me, as his travel mate, happily puking in my little 'sick' bag beside him. I think my favorite was the fact that due to turbulence my pretty little(seriously, they're beautiful) Korean Air flight attendent woudln't let me get up and had to be my 'delivery' service...trading in and out sick bags.

At this point of the process, I'm sad that we're a few months out...but incredibly grateful I don't have to fly any time soon...

Flying east, about as far as you could go from our home without starting to get closer again, we lost 18 hours. We were a day ahead of home...six hours behind. So contacting the kids was difficult because by the time we'd get back to the motel after the orphanage, Lu and Eli were often in bed and we didn't see much of them. Which STUNK.

The first motel we stayed at was in a large city. It was older, lodge-style. Thankfully the front desk girl spoke decent english so we had a small link to normalacy. We got to motel Sunday night local time. There was some government holiday Monday...so we entirely wasted a day doing nothing. I've seen my fair share of movies...and I'm paranoid as heck. So I would have been happy to hide in our room the whole day. However, my husband was chomping at the bit to get moving. So we walked. And walked. The country is grey and misty, apparently year round. Wasn't overly cold yet...just kind of depressing looking. We ventured to the sea, which I'm sure would have been very busy during summer weather. We wandered around the safety of the neighborhood near our motel.That was all I could grant him.

Tuesday morning we headed to the government office that granted a permit for us to visit Claire. As we waited our turn, the interpreter casually mentioned that they'd just ask us some basic questions...like, what are we adopting for? how much money we make? why we want Claire? You know...easy stuff....to discuss with a perfect stranger...who scowls and never smiles at all. ANXIETY. Well, apparently we passed the first hurdle and were granted permission to go to the orphanage. We spent about 2 hours driving around town getting things notarized and other business before heading out of town.
     side note: The traffic is NUTS. Nate and I were flinching as we huddled together in the back seat. The white line in the middle of the road doesn't even have the power to suggest which side of the road one should be on. Passing on the left? Nope. Not necessary. People weaved in and out of traffic...we thought for sure we'd die. There's no where to park? No problem. Just stack the parallel parking 2 or three cars deep. Doesn't matter if you box someone in, just leave a phone number. When we were shocked and asked if they wouldn't get a ticket our interpreter asked us, confused and shocked, if we would? YES! The roads are in terrible condition...monster pot holes everywhere.
Our orphanage was located about 3 and 1/2 hours from the main city we flew into. So we headed out...The terrain is totally different than ours. Mostly because the foliage is so different. The hills I would have seen covered in pine trees here were covered in birch trees. And they were thick along the roadsides...but no deer or wildlife to be seen. At all! I imagine its beautiful in the spring with leaves. The people don't smile, and its intimidating. The housing is something I can't comprehend. And...there's no toilet paper. Well, in our hotel there is. But, don't expect it in a public bathroom. Because you better be ready to shake it if you did. And...be thankful for toilets that were built for flushing toilet paper. See, its the simple things I was thankful for.
We spent many hours in the outdoor markets. Nate is alot more adventurous than I, for sure. We realized that this area of the world is a bit behind us...so, not everyone...really, hardly anyone, takes VISA. So, we'll take more cash next time :) We have learned some tips that will make eating a bit more enjoyable too. We're taking cup-o-noodles and peanut butter. And licorice. DANG it I wanted twizzlers! But on to the important stuff:
I can simply sum up our time at the orphanage with one word: Overwhelming.
Now this word has a negative connotation. And, in some ways, that would be accurate. There had been so much build up to this moment that my emotions were a wreck. My stomach hadn't really recovered from flying, so I felt awful. I was terrified. Nervous. Missing the children I've never left behind something terrible. But the good outweighed the bad! Anxious. Excited. Curious. I only had to glance at my husband and see the excited sparkle in his eyes to know where he stood.
When we got in the room, a designated play room for us, we waited for her. She arrived all decked out and dolled up. She ran straight for Nate and hugged and hugged and hugged him. She patted his cheeks, then pulled him in again. She gave me hugs too, but basically I'm just another woman in the room full of women. Nate was something entirely different, and...it melted him!
Day one was overstimulating. We had all our stuff laid out and she couldn't stay with one thing very long. She ate a disgusting amount of chocolates, and chugged grape juice until she puked it on Nate. We had about 3 hours together in this tiny room before her caretaker returned to take her back to her group. Now...another sidenote. Part of what scared me the most was what would her reaction to us be. Because all the training we have read says if they are affectionate with strangers then there will likely be attachment issues. And...while I'd like to pretend that she couldn't get enough of us...it wasn't like that. She'd play with us and then go over to the women who spoke her language. She'd climb in their laps and was most comfortable there. But that was a good thing to see. We saw firsthand that she has been loved. The rest of our time together we were careful to only have one thing out at a time.
 The caretaker and doctor both said that she is the 'star'...the kind, funny, happy child who helps everyone else, and we were both incredibly relieved to see that she had not been entirely neglected. Do I think she's had the best environment? No...absolutely not. But she will thrive in a family.
In our family. She has TONS of personality. She is spunky. And determined. And stubborn. She doesn't speak english, obviously, but she is SMART! She understood so much of what we said to her...and if she liked it, it was obvious. And if she didn't, it was also obvious! She would hold her hand up and kind of grunt at us! Like, back off! But we were told she's non-verbal. And we entirely disagree. The girl needs some speech therapy. But, I'm fairly confident she'll speak fine. Within the first visit she was repeating words we said. It was amazing.
I think her favorite thing we brought was the fake Hello Kitty fingernails. She loved them! Tapped them on the desk, and picked things up with them. It was funny. She loved doing my hair. She did it every day. She's a very good colorer.
We spent 4 days with her...
She's going to be fine. It will be an adjustment, for sure. And, its the biggest leap of faith I've ever taken.
We continue to take criticism from family/friends who 'don't understand'. And...believe me when I say I don't care if you 'understand'...it isn't your decision. It is the scariest thing I've ever done. And there are days I am terrified. A few have pointed out we already have 5 children. Kinda knew that. That is the ONLY reason this is scary. Because at this point...I have the perfect life. I don't have perfect children. I'm not perfect. But, this is my life! And, I'd choose it over again EVERY SINGLE CHANCE. And there are definite moments of doubt where I wonder what in the world my Heavenly Father sees in me that I don't. Because I'm inadequate in just about every way. There is no role I fill that I feel I do well. I do 'okay'...but nothing that I've mastered. So this adventure is walking out in the darkness, with faith, for sure. Knowing that there will be hard times and adjustments, I'm preparing my mind and heart for who are my true allies. Who can I share my struggles with in the future that won't silently(and...not so silently...) broadcast that they doubted my choice from the start? That they somehow knew better than I?
To these people I can only answer this: I have never, not even once, experienced that lightning bolt kind of answer to my prayers. My answers have always been a calm, I can 'see' this as my life kind of feeling. This experience has been similar to the one I had when I prayed to know if I should get married to Nate...after knowing him not quite 3 months...and never having had even one steady boyfriend...against my parents' wishes...at 19 years old. I just felt peace. Not overwhelming by any means. Just...an ability to 'see' my life with him. I may be only 15 year in...but if every decision that came with this kind of answer brings this amount of joy to my life, BRING IT ON!!!
When we went to the temple to consider this decision, we just looked at each other and knew, again, that we'd be here with her. Sealing her to us forever.
We didn't seek her out. We didn't decide on this country. We FOUND her. We prayed. We KNOW that she should come to our family. We are terrified just the same as we are excited. And we need prayers of support, and peace and comfort.
Stand with us.
Every single experience in my life that has proven to be difficult for me...every single one...has done one thing: drawn me closer to my Savior. I desperately need the strength and peace that comes from knowing that I am a daughter of God; I am His. He knows me and loves me. And...I'd like to believe that He is, on the whole, pleased with my efforts, even when I fall down.
This life is such a short moment of eternity! No matter the struggle we're in for...we're in for BLESSINGS as well! And then, we're promised an eternity of perfection! And...Claire is a HUGE part of that picture.
Heavenly Father, I cannot express without the rawest of emotions...just how deeply I recognize Thy hand in my life. I have been given the key to happiness, and blessed with the promise of eternity. And....I'm able to share these precious gifts with the ones I love the most: my family.
(sorry, no pics because I worry about privacy....)

Travel and Day 1

Thank heavens we are done with the airplanes for a few days....
The flight to Seattle was sp easy it was almost enjoyable. We had a six hour layover there which we wasted wandering around the many shops. I managed to knock over a display in one, sending it shattering to the floor. Thankfully all it cost me was an eye rolling from the young clerk who got to clean my mess :) note to self: Over the shoulder bag adds bulk to an already bulky me.
The flight to Seoul was ok too. Other an my Korean neighbor picked his nose liberally AND chewed with his mouth WIDE open. This only proved bothersome when he ate, or had a boogie. If he would have understood me I may have shared my grandma's wise wisdom: pick your ears and pick your toes but never, ever, pick your nose!' My back is very sore, as sitting that long was very hard. The meds worked well for Nate. I fed him one just as we boarded and about six hrs into the flight, when he all of a sudden announced that he needed to get up, and just walk around, I fed him a second! We arrived in Seoul about six pm local time. That is 16 hrs ahead of our time, so you can imagine our exhaustion! We checked into our room, on the 2nd floor of the airport :) and then started to look for something to eat. Well I now know the secret to  the petite Asian women is not genetic: their food is NAsTY! We walked two very long halls to find 3 establishments to eat...nothing appealing to me. We saw so many couples walking around in matching shirts. Gag. Maybe Nate and I will try this next time??? But it was the ritziest place I have ever seen. Like...RICH. Prada. Gucci. Cartier. Mulberry. Louis vat ton. And tons more. Apparently teeny tiny Korean women all buy purses that cost a fortune, and pass on normal food. And makeup: Clinique and Lancôme are huge too, they even sell them on the airplane. A big shout out for Korean air! Incredible service!!! Anyhow, I could barely walk from exhaustion and was getting might grumpy at the selection in food. We did find a little vendor selling sandwiches, so we bought one. She repeated my choice to me, so I know we WERE temporarily on the same page. However one bite of that thing had me dashing for the toilet to spit it out. Lesson learned: tuna sand which is not a universal principle. Gag. So Nate and I enjoyed a lovely dinner of Pringles chips and bottled water for dinner. Delish.
In the morning we stumbled into the food court of the airport, the one remaining hall I refused to walk  last night after finding only purses, and nothing to eat last night. Now, most of it looked questionable to me, so we easily agreed on something from Burger King. Lesson learned: a whopper meal for breakfast WILL haunt you when your plane hits turbulence. But, it was a glorified 'binge and purge'...no harm done! The flight today was by far the worst. Both Nate and I were sick. We met another couple heading here to adopt from Arkansas. It was comforting. So far the terrain isn't what I expect. The sky is so grey, it's gloomy. Things are very run down, kind of sad looking. The city isn't as 'city' as I thought. At least what we have seen. Our translator is a beautiful young girl. We head tomorrow to the govt. office to get permission to visit our daughter, then drive the 5 hours to the city we will stay in, still some 40 minutes from the orphanage.
My emotions are raw. Some of that has to do with the fact I am ridiculously tired, but... I miss my children terribly! Face time was fun, though Lu's saying " mommy where ARE you, I love you!" sent me into tears. My stomach hasn't quite recovered, so I have eaten a few small pieces of jerky I packed, and a little baked potato tonight. Where the crap is that golden arch?
Basically tonight I am killing time to where I can take my sleeping pill and hopefully perform some catch up tonight! So....stay tuned! I am eating my instant oatmeal tomorrow morning.....hopefully it gets to stay down and tomorrow proves to be a success. We're off  to meet our princess!

NO time like the present...

Its been such a wild week. No time to even breathe. I can't sleep at night because my mind is packing the suitcase...playing games that when we show up, sweet girl is gone, and, well, just plain old freaking out.

I took Lu with me today on a run to GF to finalize my preparations for the big trip. She was AWFUL. Can't even express how awful! She scowled and growled at strangers, insisting they 'stop wooking at me' and 'stay away from me'...what happened to my sweet girl?
I'm not that confused about it really. This morning my favorite music was playing and I was holding Landri like a baby, at her request...I pulled her up tight against me and snuggled my face into hers...and she closed her eyes and we just danced. Then, when the song changed she simply said, 'you weave mommy, to see _____(can't really say her name here :)
Anxiety sets in: I've teared up so many times today just thinking about leaving my five children behind to meet another. I wonder what they think. Eli asked me if I loved him last night. And then asked if I love ______. I can see those little wheels turning. And there is confusion and anxiety building.
I'm sure they'll be good for mom dad. The calander is written and posted on the fridge detailing just how tired my parents will be at the end of this week. Meals are in the fridge, labeled so the kids can whine about their contents days before actually eating them :)
I'm entirely thankful for each of my kids. I have loved Kolbe's growing up these last few months...he's becoming a friend...someone FUN to laugh and joke and relate to beyond 'kid' conversation. He is such a good kid. I look forward to what the next few years hold for him. Kenna is my little mini. She's effecient and determined. There will be no lapse in routine with her around! Avery will struggle without me tucking her in, I can already see her big brown eyes. She'll probably be the quiet, sad one. Eli, well...he's under dad's thumb! :) He'll be fine. He's perfect for everyone but me, so I think he'll be happy to see us when we get back, but won't miss us too much! Nate thinks I'm wrong here. I hope so! And Landri...my baby! What is it about her being my baby that just the thought of leaving her makes my eyes well and I just can't stand it? She wants to go with me on the airplane. Now, there is NO ONE on earth that she'd take to better than my dad, her prized 'PAPA' and "Grandma Neic" These two people rate incredibly high on her little importo-meter. But why wouldn't they?
There are no better grandparents in the world: they are always calling, always asking, always so involved in my kids' lives. My kids know they're loved because they FEEL it. And that is the only reason that I'm even slightly able to pull this off: I have never left my kids for more than a night. I feel safer with my chicks huddled close beside me. So, if I have to give up my spot in the nest there's no one I'd happier give it to than my parents.
......as a sidenote we're supposed to take a journal to express our feelings on this trip. I'm thinking it will be incredibly incoherent at times...because I 'ugly' cry.
I'll miss my monkies terribly! But I'm going to LOVE meeting this new one!

The smallest of things...

I have been missing my grandma something fierce lately. I just miss having someone ALWAYS on my side. I hate that feeling of sadness that inevitabley always comes when I think about calling her to come and waste the day with me...and realizing I'm on my own. It remains the cruelest of ironies to me: I finally got to move home with my monkies and she's not here!
While my emotions have been entirely out of whack(I know understand the comment adoptive moms make about being 'paper-pregnant') lately, it's definitely times like now that I miss her most. She would be beside me, helping me get ready to go...and chugging my now caffeine free beverage with me until I felt at least a little emboldened. I MISS YOU GRANDMA!
There is a picture of you on my dresser...gotta have it there to say hello to morning and night. I have the sweatshirt you wore the last day I saw you hanging in my closet...and just the other day I sank my face into it praying for a glimpse of your scent! Those things are gone now. And that's really sad to me. But, I am entirely aware that you're watching me, and recognzing when I need my bestest friend in the most. Just this morning I was bossing Landri Lu around...trying to encourage some movement contrary to what she was offering and she all of a sudden spun around and headed in the right direction and said, "lets go! Chop Chop!" And in the smallest of things I felt you....

Procedure One:

Thursday proved to be just as eventful as every other day in the saga of our lives....

At least we are fully able to recognize and even appreciate the sense of humor of our loving Heavenly Father. And, His protective hand.

Nate tagged a dear in our commuter car. I shouldn't really lie, when I read the text from him, 'just hit a deer', I thought, 'of course you did' a little unhappily. But when I saw the damage I was immediately thankful; it could be so much worse! Still drives..and it only registers about 25% higher on the rez-mobile ticker.

I worked early Thursday, getting to the office shortly after 7 to get my hours in early....big day. As I was headed to the hospital for my surgery, the nurse called to notify me that I needed to get there, if I wasn't already. The doctor was running WAY ahead...I did my best to get there as fast as I could, only to be seated in the waiting room. AFter sitting there for 10 minutes I went up to the counter and explained the gals in back were waiting on me, that they'd actually called and told me to hurry. At this the woman was super annoyed, and again told me to sit. A few minutes later she called my name, "Julie?"...so I followed her into the office and she closed the door. Now, they've begun this really annoying little practice of asking you your name and what procedure you're having done, over and over...and I'd already answered this 3x before this sweet woman took me back. So, when she asked what I was having done, I was feeling a little onery and didn't answer immediately. She noticed my rebellion and kind of huffed, "A breast augmentation..." WHAT????? Since my shock was obvious and I nearly fell off my chair she asked my name again. To my surprise there was a Julie with a last name ridiculously close to mine...and SHE was in for a much different surgery than mine. I told the nurse had Julie #2 been in for a tummy tuck as well I might consider continuing our little charade until after, and opting out of the augmentation all together. She wasn't impressed. So I was escorted back to my seat, again, and told to wait. At this point I've been sitting in the lobby for about half an hour...and the nurse told me to hurry! And crabby abbs at the desk chastized ME for answering to the wrong name. It obviously wasn't her fault!!!
After being rescued by the nurse in back, who was a tiny bit annoyed I was so late, I was taken into the bathroom to be weighed. Now, this is about is fun for me as, well, having breast augmentation. I climbed on the elephant scale and turned my back, telling her not to tell me the grant total. Door wide open, she yelled. Yes. Yelled. The number out. I was so stunned I just looked at her. Okay, that was one sweetie...
We then were rushed into the room, I stripped down to put my nightie on, ties in the back, and climbed into bed where I spent the next 20 minutes watching my weight-sharing nurse poke and search...not pulling the needle out, just holding it under my skin, searching for a vein. Seriously, 20 minutes. 3 attempts on one arm. As she's digging a second nurse came in and asked how she could be helpful. Nurse Sunshine then told her I needed my blood-clot socks, though she had a funny name for them I can't remember. Ted socks????? or something. And...she threw in, 'Large!' in the rudest tone...so much so that the second nurse sort of looked me over and raised her eye brows and responded that she didn't think I needed a large. She picked up the blanket, and looks me over good and responds, 'Yep, large.' The other nurse walked off to fetch the socks, rolling her eyes and shaking her head. She came back with mediums and proceded to put them on me, pulling me this way and that, all the while Nurse Ratchett poked around a bit more. I was beginning to think being Julie #2 had its plusses: Namely: different nurses on the other wing.
The doc walked in right as she finally hit a vein, and announced he wasn't waiting for the labs to return before operating. He asked me, "Well, you ready to go blow up your uterus?" Um, sure. I was hauled to surgery and the last thing I remember is asking them never to repeat the things I say while going under...and hearing the anesthesiologist cheerfully promise me a 'cocktail.' Whatever that was, I liked it.
I believe the polyp issue has has been rectified.
I feel fine...totally normal. Easy peasy. One more to go while this stuff is free!

Good morning beautiful...

How was my day?

It started very early...Lu climbed in my bed in the middle of the night as she frequently does. And, as she frequently does, she peed my bed. (so, if I die, and you're clearing out my house, and my mattress is more stained than any other in the house...rememeber I mentioned this little detail). So, I got up, stripped the bed and climbed back in with only my comforter around us and turned on the 'toons' to silence her pleading. I don't do well in the early morning. Its a very difficult, dangerous time. And it was barely 6 a.m.
As I'd just gotten myself ready to doze again...she started in with 'cockola milk mommy'....'COCKOLA MILK MOMMMMYYYYY!' So, I stumbled down the stairs and mixed her sippie cup, trudged back up to bed and climbed in beside her...snuggling her in close. All of my kids are snugglers. They get it from me. So, this is one of my favorite parts of the day, even if it happens in the m.o.r.n.i.n.g. Well, Lu is a bit of a horker. She seriously chugged her cup, knocked it back, in no more than 10 seconds. Shocker...shortly thereafer she started shifting around beside me, pushing her tummy out. She climbed out of bed and announced, "I'm-a gonna fwo-up momma. FWO-UP!" So, I jumped up and yelled at her to get in the bathroom...take ONE step onto the tile floor. Nope. As she was shaking her head no at me she made a mess of my carpet. Again: we are talking 6 am folks.
I kinda chuckled and started the shower, pulling her nighty off, and told her to jump in the shower as I cleaned up. I turned my back and got to work, then ran down to throw a load of laundry in. As I peeked in the shower to check on her I was pleased to see her in her pink monkey print panties...soaking off the morning! Avery was equally thrilled when she went to jump in the shower with her, because Lu wasn't getting out any time...to see her cute little chubby monkey panties!
Oh, how I love my kids!
As it got close to 10 am, and she'd been awake for a LONG time already, I put a diaper on her thinking I'd snuggle her to sleep. Which didn't happen, immediately. So, after 3 sippy cups(I'm a bit indulgent today) of cockola milk she proceded to unhook her very wet diaper, drop it at my feet and announce, 'it's nasty mom' and walking off...
It was actually a good morning. I love the little moments that make my life my own!

Alberta Calgary open house...

We hardly ever go anywhere with the kids. First of all, they're horrible travelers. Which, in turn, makes me horrible company. Its a bit of a vicious cycle. So I wasn't super excited to the weekend's trip. And, I'm beyond thrilled with it now that we survived :)

At the center of our faith is the belief, well, KNOWLEDGE, that a family can be sealed together forever. It is central to this principle that the Priesthood of God has been restored to the earth, and that its power is available to righteous men. This principle is the same as it was in the Church that Jesus Christ established when He lived on this earth.

Armed with this testimony, there are certain buildings, known as temples, that are sacred and special above all others on this earth because of their ordination to perform in services that bind us as families forever. Every single oridance that occurs within these walls has one purpose: to seal children to their parents, and link generations of people together. It is in esssence the great truth and purpose of this gospel. And, we believe, it is a continuance of the manner in which we lived before we were granted the opportunity to leave our Heavenly home, and come to earth.

Because of the sacred nature of the temple, not everyone can go in. Regular interviews are required with church leaders who assess our worthiness...our EFFORTS....to maintain certain standards of living...to qualify us for service in the temple. When  a child is 12 they are allowed limited access inside to perform certain ordinances. Beyond that, it is limited to adults, who are ready to commit themselves to following the laws and promises extended inside.

This being said...we have advocated being worthy to go inside to our children every.single.chance.we. have. been.given. since they were itty-bitty. We testify all the time about how grateful we are that Heavenly Father has given this Priesthood power to seal forever our families! We've described some of the beautiful things they'll see...

But how THANKFUL I am that this weekend we were able to travel to Calgary Alberta to the open house of the new temple there. During this time, it is open to EVERYONE, regardless of religion and age. You are led through every room inside to see there are no secrets there. And it is beautiful! And...it is exciting! And..you can't help but feel the Spirit of God there.

All of my children were touched. The quietness of Eli, his large usually dancing with mischief eyes were round in wonder. The way Kolbe held his mouth, and the expression on his face. Kenna's eagerness to see the 'next' room. Landri, pushing ahead of me, through the legs of huge crowds, to get into the first room with beautiful chandeliers...to hear her say, at a slightly irreverent :) volume, "oooooooohhhhhhh. Woooooowwwwww! I want one!"  And then, there was my personal favorite: My sweet Avery walked silently by my side the whole time. She held my hand, and looked around with the most perfect expression of reverence...like she just got it......as we entered the celestial room, the final place of the tour...the most beautiful room in the temple by far....she raised her eyes up to the crystal chandeliers, which are by far the prettiest fixtures I have EVER seen...and her eyes filled with tears. We made eye contact and she just smiled. It was of course that moment where as a parent you are humbled to 'see' the giant spirit of that child you try to raise. A man at the door was evidently watching this all happen, for when I looked at him he was staring intently at Avery, his eyes pooling too.

So grattitude doesn't quite express my feelings of being able to take my children through the temple this weekend. Hope doesn't quite express my desire to have them all there again with me in the future. I will gladly give up every other comfort in this world for the assurance that my children will be mine forever.

I have many friends and family members who do not share my faith. They share a knowledge of a living, loving God. But different faith. And...I count them to be among my treasures! I hope that they could one day walk the steps my children walked this weekend, and see with different eyes that we, members of the Church of Jesus Christ, are Christian.

I love my Savior. I love my testimony of Him. I love my knowledge of His plan for me(even if I disagree with a few of the given experiences :) and I love my family. And...I am grateful.