just to show he was listening...

I love the quiet moments where you realize you made a point, that they understood what I was saying.
I was teaching the Plan of Salvation yesterday in church to the kids age 3 to 8. This tells of how we willingly came to earth to follow a Savior, repent, and return to our God(in a super short version). At the end we were discussing how we'd each be judged for our actions and where we'd be sent. We talked about the degrees of glory, and how the place where God will reside is likened unto the Sun, and then there is a place likened unto the moon, and then the worse destination is likened unto the stars. I walked the kids through scenarios, "in the dark which would you prefer? stars or a bright moon?" A night with a moon, or a full sun-lit sky? I think they got it.
Last night as I tucked Eli in we were discussing his upcoming baptism and what this commitment means. And he said, 'I probably have STARS stamped on my heart mom.'
He cracks me up. And...he gives me LOTS of opportunities to teach :)

favorite Sunday of the year

"whoever said 'Easy like Sunday morning' obviously never had children"....
It is amazing to me that my kids, who are full of life for sure...but usually fairly well behaved...become little dancing devils every. single. Sunday. morning. Just like clock work. Its like they're possessed. In fact, the only thing predictable about their behavior this day is that it will be the worst its been all week.

Having said this...THIS week was my favorite Sunday of the year: Christmas Sunday. Naughtiness is usually at a minimum because the anticipation to wear the new outfit that's been taunting you from the closet for a month is too much. Kids who usually fight the shower AGREE on attempt one. 'Its Christmas Sunday', after all. And Landri actually WANTED her hair done.

 Her outfit was cuter with the red sweater specifically bought for Christmas, but this was a last minute compromise to stem the fit that was coming...

 Eli. This kid has some querks. And Sunday clothes are one of 'em. He refuses to wear a tie and his nice dress shoes. So I didn't waste money on new duds he wouldn't wear. This outfit is his 'comfort zone'...why mess with a good thing?

 What do you say? That she's the cutest, pocket-sized angel in the world?

 Growing up. In a tight little black skirt.

 Handsome. And not just because I'm biased.

And there was no corralling them into a group picture where all five of them faced forward and smiled nicely. At least I will have lots of pictures of my kids as they really are! Sass. Spunk and LIFE :)
Merry Christmas!

Taking Temple Square...

I had my post op appointment on the 18th of December back in Salt Lake. Because I'm one of 'those' moms who has counted out every moment I have with my kids, I knew this would be our last 'season' that was free in the fall months. Well, specifically, the Christmas season. Next year Kolbe starts high school, which is entirely different post :( and for now I'll stick to the happy stuff! Once he's in high school, this is basketball season, and there's no leaving. And because we felt that having our children every two years was sheer genius, our holidays are committed from here on out. And I desperately waned to take my family to Temple Square. Traveling is not my favorite option, in fact I'm probably worse than the kids. But with a reason to go, we pulled the kids from school and headed down. Roads were perfect on the way there. My back and hip tolerate the car in doses...so we went to Pocatello the first night. And swam. And called 911 from the room(while Nate and I ate breakfast). And left.
It was a fast and furious trip...the doc appointment was good. "All is on track."
I'm sure we looked like so many other tourists to that place, wide eyed and amazed. Temple Square is perhaps one of the most beautiful places in the world on any given day...but when decked out with the Season of Christmas...there are no words. So here are some pics...

We spent time in many of the buildings...spacing it out with time for the little one, who'd skipped her nap, to run off a little 'crazy' outside with the lights. THIS is my favorite place in the world...no doubt:

The Christus.

My favorite place. You walk up a circular ramp into this room where the walls are painted to be the skies and worlds...and then there is a HUGE statue of the resurrected Christ...the marks in his hands and feet still evident. Its beautiful...and the spirit is so strong! My favorite place...with my favorite crazies...

I'm sure that we stuck out big time. My kids are straight off the farm. And yes, while we preach tolerance, and whisper 'stop staring' they were very obviously shocked by some differences in culture there.

We awoke to a nasty snow storm and hit the road earlier than we had planned. We drove to back to Butte before my back and hip were DONE. 3 motels in 3 days...meant lots of swim time for the kids. I think if you asked them their highlights of the trip it would be Temple Square, the man peeing on the exterior wall of Temple Square, and all the swim time.

My highlight was obvious. It was a first and a last for my little family. The next time we make it back there time will have changed my family so much. My kids may even have kids of their own. Cringe! So thankful we were able to carve out a little memory: The Clampits Take Temple Square.

the Golden Corral???

I had to take Kenna to Great Falls yesterday for an orthodontist appointment. We had missed and rescheduled twice, so we were seriously looking forward to a little girl time. And, of course we had Lu. Lu, who screamed and growled and pretty much just made the trip MISERABLE. After I could handle it no more, I started mimicking her horrid sound to answer her every onery request. A few minutes into this(poor Kenna), Landri apparently realized it was painful to listen to. After a quick discussion about how we should be talking/asking for things...there was blessed silence! Kenna shot me a naughty little look of approval! I know....not the 'best parenting' approach,  but SO effective! We got about 3 minutes of happy conversation when Landri very sweetly, in the cutest, calmest, baby girl voice announced, "mommy, I'm reeeaaaaallllly hungry". "Oh," I said, "what would you like to eat today?"

"A lunch buffet."

WHAT??? Seriously, we don't do buffets. We really don't eat out, unless you count the periodic super fast run through the drive through at McDonalds or something. We're hardly in town... Kenna and I were totally impressed with her decisiveness. A lunch buffet. (she didn't get it, but she didn't even remember!) We however, have joked about it a thousand times!

Her little AND GIANT personality are such proof to me of Heavenly Father's love for me and his obvious sense of humor. This kid is power packed-as is her predecessor, Kenna.

Today I was trying to persuade Lu to lay beside me and nap, which she was having none of. I pulled out the old 'tell them a story and rub their back til they fall asleep trick'...and she requested the story of how I picked her in heaven. I may have mentioned this before...but I've done a very irreverent thing by telling my children how I traipsed through Heaven's rooms of precious angels and picked the very finest...for this trait and that trait. And they all believe me, at least until they are a bit older...so when telling Lu today the normal story, I added  the detail that her cute double dimples, on her pudgy little cheeks were proof of heavenly kisses farewell as she left to be my baby...

I love the wonder in her sparkly eyes...and the assured confidence as she nodded and said, 'of course!' Could those little dimples have come from any other source?

Being a mom is my best gig.

my missing piece....

I just love this time of year. I love the fact that the world as a whole is a little more receptive to the message that Jesus Christ is our Savior. I love that kindness is almost a reaction, that human nature is paused for a minute to allow for Christ-like behavior to step forward. I love that because of this celebration, my life is promised the gift of redemption. And peace. And hope.

And I love the childhood giddiness and anticipation for Christmas morning. I love watching the older kids transition from believing in Santa to a realization of what mom and dad have made their reality. I pretty much just love this season.

But I can't wonder why what I'd envisioned for this Christmas can't be? Nate keeps telling me he can't buy me anything, has no idea what to get me, that I'm so hard to buy for. Really? Maybe its because what I'm wanting isn't for sale. What my heart longs for this year is my missing piece.

A piece of my life puzzle that once I discovered, I can't believe how much its absence just hurts. I think people have forgotten. I can't. I miss her. I hate saying "....my five children", because I have six. But I assume people want me to get over it. I just can't.

I am sure I will struggle every day with the miserable knowledge that sweet, and spicy, little Dasha is never coming home. And I am blessed that the five children I have HERE are healthy and happy. I wonder where the line is between being ungrateful for the life that's mine and the heartbreak of disappointment and sadness over Dasha.

Its not like I'm asking for a fancy car, or diamond earrings. I just wanted another child, unwanted by most, to love and strengthen. That's what I want for Christmas...

Not much else to do...

Alright, its probably my fault. I'm sure that at some point, or perhaps MANY points, I have grumbled that I would love a little "me" time. Time to close the door and watch HGTV uninterrupted. Or to read a good, sappy book. But seriously, I take it ALL BACK! :)
I want to be up. I want to be back to rocking my fireplace. I want to chase my naughty children. I want to wash my own toilets. And, shaving my legs IN the shower would be awesome too(don't ask...it was an interesting moment...hopping to a chair, then the kitchen counter...then the sink).
Its funny, and a little sad, that you don't realize how thankful you are for the simplest of blessings until they've been a bit restricted to you. And I realize that my condition is entirely temporary(hallelujah, as climbing on the kitchen sink to shave is more work that its worth so I might challenge Nate to a hairy leg  contest instead).
I had my hip repaired last week. My goodness...I'm so thankful for technology and good doctors! I loved my doctor...a cute little Asian guy in Utah! My mother, who is the dang closest thing to a Saint I'll ever know...took time off work and joined me on the trip. We lolly -gagged through every store we wanted to on our first day there, as I didn't leave the motel after my surgery. My sister and her four princesses met us there and THANK HEAVENS. My chubby butt is more than my mom can handle. Cami had to lug me around those first two days, when my nerve block left me unable to even move! Sweet Austynn supplied me with plenty of hugs and worried concern, Raygon babysat me, Adds dished me minimal attitude and was my sleeping partner...and Reyce simply scrunched up her nose and asked me what was wrong with my face? a.k.a.  would I please wear some make-up :)
This last week has been boring and LONG. Nate cleaned his first toilet. Tomorrow someone else is cleaning them, cringe! I've had meals and treats every night from people in the ward. I've have play dates for Luis, cards in the mail and visits from friends(some of who have seen my hotness up close and personal now)...
I am not a sit still kind of person. But I have had a lot of time this last week to think about all the things I am eternally thankful for. So thankful for my Savior...who loves me when I don't deserve it, and blesses me in spite of my stubborn, onery self. The Priesthood in my home...by which Nate has given me blessings of comfort and healing, and thru which we are bound as a family forever. Because lets  be entirely honest, one lifetime with Nate is not nearly enough. After being married 16 years there is not a lot you haven't seen...but there are some things that are not kosher at any stage of marriage. We had a few of those moments this week :) Nate's funny, quiet smirk as he's babied my whining, tended my needs, and picked up my slack means so much. I love him. Seriously. And my kids...they've all been tender. Every one of them has spent time snuggled up next to me in my bed...Eli's the king at working my ice-compression machine...and the girls are my personal hair-combing, feet rubbing princesses! 
I may have thought it impossible to grow tired of HGTV before this week...and I've had to resort to other quality substitutes like "Extreme Cheapskates" and "Pregnant in Jail". Both of these shows are, well...lame. But if you are feeling like your life sucks, well, they're just the right medicine!
Looking forward to a week focused on gratitude and the great blessings that are mine...

Where is thy hiding place....

If I knew now what I do, would it change things?
I have always been taught that God is constant, and unchanging. And I believe it. I know it. I also know that He knows the end from the beginning...and as I consider this great power it makes me ever so certain that He is real, that He is mindful of me...and that His patience is AMAZING. There is no way I'd be able to do it: know what was gonna happen and be able to sit back and let it go, knowing it was not going to work. Nope...I would be so tempted to take the easy road; less heartache, more joy, less mistake, more progression.

I have a blessed life. I know God. I am certain that there are days He is unpleased with me. I am sad to realize how many times I must disappoint Him. When I watch my children learn and grow...and repeat choices that I disagree with its easy for my patience to falter...my temper to win. And yet, even though I can't see Him, I know He's not shaking his head, asking what the heck I'm doing? Its overwhelming to know how imperfect I am. And yet I know He loves me....despite it all, in spite of me. Thankfully, He's not waiting for me to deserve His mercy...and its extended to me daily, sometimes in quiet kind acts from friends...others in open answer to my prayer. I can not doubt my faith...it is the only thing that makes constant sense in my life. And I hesitate a little thinking perhaps you judge my church solely by my failings. I hope not, I'm a doofus.

I know my family will be forever. I have a husband who loves me. He works hard, plays a lot and loves our children perfectly. He demands their best and leads by example. There's no room to question where he stands, on anything. Its black or its white. He's fair, and respectful and I've never met anyone who lives their life as FULLY as he does. My children are blessed.

I have five brilliant children. Kinda naughty...definitely sassy...strong-willed....and determined. BRILLIANT. And perfect. I can't question that these feisty little spirits were saved for this day...to come to earth at a time when things are tough. There's NOTHING like watching them figure things out. There's no joy like their successes. And strangely, they are amazing in spite of my failures. Seriously...I'd pick these ones all over again if the need arose :)

I can see the Lord's hand in so many aspects of my life. So many. The unmatchable sunsets here...whisper quietly He knows me. The frozen trees remind me of the beauty in all things. There is one place I am grounded...and its definitely in knowing He's in control. Because I am definitely not.

My car wreck has been a bit harder than I think I ever expected. Almost 2 years later I have constant back pain...my hip is torn and requires surgery...and I have headaches that only are appeased by super uncomfortable, expensive shots in my head/neck every six months. My exercise ability is like 60% of normal...which is frustrating. And I'm grumpy about it.
We've made some personal choices...all by prayer...that have not be easy. That we battle every day.

One year ago tomorrow morning Nate and I boarded a plane for the desolate, cold destination of Vlad to meet our daughter. I can't even replicate the emotions I had. And now have. With what has happened these last 12 months I am glad I didn't know then what I know. Because I doubt my strength. I doubt my heart. I can't even think of my great sorrow in this experience without crying. Its beyond devastating...still. My heart can't quite extend un-tainted 'kindness' to the ones who out and out criticized me. I know I should, I just hurt too much still. We fasted...we prayed...we were LED to Dasha. She 'looked' like my child...she carved her tiny handprint into my heart. Why we were led to this place to have such unexplained sadness I don't think I'll ever know. 

It would be easy to let myself question God...to ask 'where is thy hiding place'? To be bitter. But I am not. I love God...and while I have not been spared the heartache that comes with experience...I recognize His hand always. It terrifies me to consider my life without faith. So, I will not doubt it. I will seek Him. I will try harder. I will see joy where it is.